


Under the Big Black Sun

by Anonymous



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Emotional Infidelity, M/M, The Author May Be Working Through Something Here, i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:09:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29125491
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Things aren't going well with his boyfriend. Finn should talk to him about it but he can't ever seem to pin the guy down lately (maybe that'd solve their problems, to be honest). He's probably busy. It's fine.His neighbor Kylo is massive weirdo and keeps pissing him off but he's kind of interesting, Finn guesses. He's someone to hang out with at the very least.
Relationships: Finn/Kylo Ren
Comments: 25
Kudos: 36
Collections: Anonymous





	1. No one is united

**Author's Note:**

  * For [squarephoenix](https://archiveofourown.org/users/squarephoenix/gifts).



> no clue what this is. just poured out of me for some reason. enjoy. or tell me to delete, idk. rated m because i want them to bone at one point. deffo after i get him to break up with his bf (obvs).
> 
> title is album/song by the band x (the song is really good).

Poe was definitely trying to break up with him. 

“So I don’t know if I can make it this weekend,” he was saying. This was the third time he’d flaked on him. _I believe in the professional world, this is referred to as a constructive dismissal._ “I’m on flight call so I have to be ready to go if they call.”

Finn smiled, sweetly and understanding. God, why did he have to keep this up? _Just break up with me already if you’re gonna do it._ “It’s okay, Poe, I can always cancel the cabin reservation. Thanks for letting me know; tomorrow was the last day!”

Did he just chuckle? There was no way Finn just chuckled. Because he’s been meticulously planning every detail of this trip. He’d reserved the cabin two months in advance. And Poe’s cancelling on him at the last minute. It was _Poe’s_ _idea_. (They were supposed to go _skiing_ and Finn fucking _hates_ the snow.) 

So, he couldn’t have possibly chuckled. Because this wasn’t funny at all. He was kinda pissed, actually. Yeah, he was _pissed_ . Well, _maybe_ . I mean, it’s _technically_ okay, right? At the end of the day, he can always get his deposit back and some other happy couple gets a romantic surprise, last minute vacation. 

Everyone wins. 

“You’re so understanding,” Poe replied. _Damn right I am_ , he thought smugly. He deserved to be a little cocky considering the circumstances. “Uh, and Finn? Um, I…” The pilot bit his lower lip. _This is it. Just pull the band-aid off, Poe, just do it! Put me out of my misery!_ The pilot stammered for a little bit before regaining his composure. “I was wondering if you’d take care of BeeBee that weekend, too.”

 _He would hate to._ “Sure, I’d love to!” Why did he just say that? His apartment building doesn’t even allow pets. He should say _that_ . _Wait, doesn’t Poe know that?_ Instead, his dumb mouth opened to let this gem out: “What time should I pick her up?”

“Uh, say, five in the morning?” Poe tossed out the worst time possible as usual. Why can’t he ever do anything after nine? 

“Great!” he smiled, again so sweetly and magnanimously. He was the best boyfriend (for now, at least.) (His days are assuredly numbered.) Finn glanced down at his watch and grateful to see he needed to head to class. “Oh, shit, I gotta run!” He paused after he’d sat up and looked the older man in the eye, “It’s a shame about this weekend.”

Poe couldn’t seem to meet his gaze. “Yeah, I was really looking forward to it.”

 _No, you weren’t_ , Finn thought as he ran for the bus.

* * *

BeeBee’s low maintenance but he didn’t like the idea of a contraband dog on the loose in his apartment. 

It would have been easier to hide a cat. They don’t need walks or bark at the slightest provocation. _Fuck, it’s so cold_. He’d gotten BeeBee into the place easily at 5am; of course, no one was up but the poor thing can’t be cooped up all day and he couldn’t risk his landlord finding out (Finn almost felt like she had his lease in particular in her backpocket at all times, just ready to point out a violation) by taking a walk during the day. So, he’s now roaming the streets at midnight in the middle of winter. Great.

Well, BeeBee looks happy enough and that’s what counts. They’ve been out here for an hour and if Finn didn’t cut it short, then she’d keep him out here all night. “C’mon, Bee, let’s head back.”

Almost as if she understood, she whined but obeyed when Finn led her back to his apartment. It was a three story walk-up so all he really needed to do was get BeeBee up two flights of stairs. He only hoped BeeBee would be quiet. Why did he even agree to this? He should have told Poe to put her in a kennel. Finn looked down at BeeBee, panting and wagging her little tail. It’s not so bad, he smiled. 

“Dogs aren’t allowed, you know?” 

A voice startled Finn and BeeBee turned around excitedly at the newcomer. The smell of a cigarette smoke penetrated Finn’s nostrils and his face bunched at the acrid scent. They hadn’t quite reached the stoop, hidden on the sidewalk under the cloak of night (and poor city planning; there was only one crappy streetlight at the corner that struggled to even illuminate it’s immediate area). 

It was a man’s voice and when Finn turned to face him, he couldn’t really make him out under the dim light. One of his neighbors, maybe? “I know,” he replied. “My boyfriend’s out of town and asked me to watch her though. I couldn’t say no.”

“You couldn’t say no?” the stranger repeated, skeptical. “You had to take the dog?”

“Yeah,” Finn was confused. What was this guy’s point? “Uh, so if you could, you know, not tell Phasma, I would be super grateful.”

“Don’t worry. I’m not some fucking snitch,” the man replied sharply. He threw the cigarette down and stomped it out roughly. He brushed past Finn and as he turned to go up the stairs to the front door, Finn caught the traces of smoke, alcohol and musky cologne that clung to the man’s clothes. It was as pungent as it was intoxicating. “But you could have said no.”

Finn followed him through the front door. He was tall, really tall, with shaggy black hair. He tried to angle himself to get a better glimpse of his face as the man entered his unit but he decided against being so obvious, heading straight up the stairs instead. _So he lives on the ground floor, huh?_ He tried to remember if he’d ever seen the guy who lived there during the day but couldn’t really remember. 

Oh, well. As long as he doesn’t snitch, it doesn’t matter?

* * *

BeeBee’s barking. Ugh, what time is it? His clock says seven. Does everyone in the Dameron household insist on waking up at unholy hours? “BeeBee, it’s too early, go to sleep. Don’t dogs love to sleep? Please stop barking…”

Holy shit, BeeBee’s barking! Finn sprang out of bed, now wide awake. How _long_ had she been at it?

“Hey, girl, shhh,” Finn comforted. “That’s a good girl. What are you barking at anyways?” It was now that he registered the knocking at the door. Oh, shit. _Oh, shit._ If that’s Phasma, this would really suck (an understatement). “Okay, BeeBee, you’re gonna stay in this room, okay? And no barking, I know you understand. I’ve got this handled. I’m going out there and pretending I was barking for...I dunno, I’ll think of something but just be quiet, okay?”

BeeBee wagged her tail vigorously and panted excited. Finn’s not sure if she’s the smart kind of dog that understands everything he says or the kind that just goes with the flow. Either way, he probably should answer the door. 

“I’m sorry, Pha --” Finn stopped abruptly when he noticed that the tall, broad chested figure in front of him was decidedly not his landlord. He pointed a confused finger at the man. “Uh, you’re not Phasma.”

“No shit,” they rolled their eyes. Oh. Oh, Finn recognizes him vaguely. The height was unmistakable and the hair checked out. It’s the guy from last night. He must have washed that aroma off because right now he just smells like whatever nondescript shampoo he used. He’s holding out a worn out tennis ball but _why_? “Here. I brought this for the dog.”

Finn accepted the toy, still puzzled. “Thanks, I guess.”

“What’s the dog’s name?” he asked curtly. 

“Oh, um, BeeBee,” he replied. He should probably keep answering this guy’s questions. He claims he’s not a snitch but Finn doesn’t wanna risk pissing him off. 

“How long is he making you take care of BeeBee?”

“He’s not making me do anything.”

“You said you couldn’t say no. Which means either he’s forcing you to do it or you’re a liar.”

“It’s neither of them,” Finn was offended. He had the right to be. The defensiveness crept up on him though. “You’re making a lot of assumptions about me and my boyfriend from one phrase I said when I was dead tired.”

“How long?” he insisted. 

“Just until tonight.”

“Fine,” the man said. “Next time just say no.”

“What?”

“When he asks you to do something, just say no if you don’t want to do it.”

Finn clutched the door knob tightly. “I do want to do it though.”

“No, you don’t. You can’t even lie like you do.”

“Why do you care?”

“I don’t.”

 _You obviously do._ “Uh, okay then,” _Now what?_ “Is there anything else you want?”

“No.”

“Okay, I’m going to shut the door now then.”

The man turned on his heel towards the stairs without another word. Finn peered out the door, face worn with confusion.

_What a weird guy._

* * *

“So did he come get his dog?”

Finn’s hand froze as he clutched his mail. He’d never forget the voice as long as he lived. “Uh, yeah, of course he did. Why wouldn’t he?”

“I don’t know,” the man said leaning against the mailboxes. He rested his head against the wall and looked down at Finn. Almost contemptuously. Holy shit, is he being bullied? An apartment complex bully? Is that a thing? How the hell did he know which unit Finn lived in anyways? “Guys like that usually ask for more when they know the other person won’t say no.”

“What?” Finn frowned. “Are you stalking me or something? You act like you know my boyfriend. He’s not like that at all.”

“No, I’m not,” he replied. _Oh, really? Explain how you know my apartment number._ “You know I get your mail sometimes and Phasma pointed you out once. Do you actually subscribe to _Civil Aviation Magazine_?”

 _Oh, he’s a mindreader. How wonderful._ “Yeah, I like planes. So what?”

“I do, too,” the man replied coolly. He pointed back to his unit. “Do you want to see my model planes?”

“Aren’t you supposed to invite me to see your etchings?”

A small smirk played on his lips. “Oh, so you’re not some broken little butterfly.”

“I’m sorry to ruin your fantasy,” Damnit, this guy pissed him off. _Just tell him off already._ “I have to put this mail away. I have a date later.”

“That’s a shame. Let me know when you’re free next though.”

“Sure,” Not a fucking chance. “Uh,” he paused. This guy had his mail so he had his address and his name but Finn’s got no clue about him. “You’ve got me at a disadvantage. What’s your name again?”

“Kylo Ren.”

Is that all one word? Is his first name Kylo? Last name Ren? What country is that from? Is he from somewhere? Maybe his parents are from somewhere? It does have a nice ring to it. Should he call him Kylo? Ren? Kylo Ren? Let’s see what happens. “Uh,” he waved his mail in salute. “See you around, Kylo.”

“See you around, Finn."

_That's not gonna happen._

* * *

Poe flaked.

Now what the hell was he supposed to do?

All dressed up with no where to go.

* * *

_What was he even doing here?_

Kylo’s place was a complete mess but Finn didn’t know what he was expecting. The floor was littered with empty cans and bottles and from what Finn could see of the kitchenette, it looked like Kylo was trying to grow penicillin in his sink. The inner neat-freak in Finn wanted to high-tail it out of there immediately. 

_You live like this?_ Finn thought, sparing a glance at the older man.

“Here, this is a World War Two Grumman F8F Bearcat,” Great. He’s in some creepy white guy who's obsessed with World War Two’s house. This was going to work out magically for him. The guy’s name is Kylo Ren, too, for fuck's sake (which Finn looked up on his way home and it’s not associated with any known country so it’s definitely just made up). “It’s hand painted.”

“Cool.” Why the hell did he come? Death wish? He was pretty bummed about Poe flaking. Maybe it’s subconscious? He should seek therapy. _He actually wanted to show me model planes._ He'd thought it was a euphemism for something else, for sure. But actual model planes? _What were you expecting though?_ His thoughts seemed to calm themselves at the question. “Uh, you’ve been into this hobby a long time?”

“My dad’s a pilot,” he said. There was something final about it. It was an answer; no follow-up questions will be entertained. 

Finn nodded along, staring at the miniatures on the living room shelf. “My boyfriend’s a pilot, too.” 

“Is he now?” Kylo drawled, almost trying to sound unimpressed. “That’s why you have the magazines then, huh?”

“At first, yeah. But it got to be interesting apart from him. Flight lessons are expensive though so it’s more like wishful thinking at this point,” Finn shrugged. Take that, you asshole. “Might as well have the magazine if you can’t have the real thing, right?”

Kylo walked through the mess of his living room to the open kitchenette. “Do you want a beer?” 

He didn’t drink but still, “Okay.” The sofa looked like it was it’s own species of mold but Finn’s probably already breathed in enough spores that it doesn’t really matter. “Can I sit down?” 

“No,” Kylo approached with the neck of two bottles between his fingers. He plopped out, causing the foam from the beers to spill over. There was a hard glint in his eye. “Of course you can fucking sit down. Why would you even ask that?”

Because he was polite, what the fuck, that’s why. Control yourself, Finn, you’re in the potential serial killer’s domain. Why was he even here again? _Oh, yeah, Poe flaked on him_. He should talk to him about that, huh? Because, geez, this is depressing. He’s in a filthy apartment with some weirdo who doesn’t know the basic rules of social etiquette. 

“Sorry,” Finn offered. 

“For what?”

“I dunno, it’s a ‘you sounded pissed’-kind of sorry.”

“You didn’t do anything wrong though.”

“Okay then, why did you sound mad?”

“Because I knew you’d take it,” he separated the beers, one in each hand, and took a long first sip. He held out the other to Finn. He’d nurse it and hope Kylo didn’t notice he didn’t drink. “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m getting my teaching certification.”

“Oh, you’re going to be a teacher?”

“That’s the plan.” Could he ask for water? Finn remembered the sink and all of a sudden, he'd rather just drink the beer (and didn’t even drink alcohol at all). “How about you?”

“Art school,” Of course, he’s an artist. One, because look at him, and two, because Finn vaguely recalled something coming up when he searched his name. “I’m a sculptor.”

“Neat,” Finn nodded. This is getting awkward. They don’t have anything in common. Kylo’s insulted him numerous times. Why was he here? “Uh, what’s your mom do then?”

“She’s a senator.”

If Finn was drinking, now is when he’d have spit it out. “Excuse me?”

“Senator. Organa?” he seemed pissed now. Well, _sorry_ , you veritable political prince, I didn’t recognize you. Finn’s not sure why he even believes him. Why would a senator’s son be living in this crappy apartment complex and going by such a bizarre pseudonym? 

“Yeah, I’ve heard of her. I, uh, voted for her.”

The corner of Kylo’s mouth twitched in irritation. Well, he was starting to think Kylo wasn’t a massive freak but he seemed even more upset. His mom’s policies were pretty progressive so if Kylo doesn’t like them...well, then Finn’s instinct might have been spot on. Ah, crap. “Thanks,” he said and drank again. 

Finn’s taking that with a grain of salt. Kylo seemed to be good at reading him and he can’t be sure that wasn’t a clever ruse. There was a faint ringing in his ears that mingled with another ringing -- Kylo’s phone? What is that ringtone? It sounded kind of familiar... _no way..._

“Is that _Freak On a Leash_?” This is too much of a cliche, oh Lord, help him. Of course it was _Freak of a Leash_. The only thing that would have been funnier would have been _Let The Bodies Hit The Floor_ or maybe something by Slipknot? Finn wished he had a drink he could laugh into but he bit the inside of both of his cheeks instead to keep it in. 

Kylo just stared at his phone for a bit and when Finn could control himself ( _seriously, that was his ringtone?_ ) he took a steadying breath. _Don’t laugh at the freak off the leash._

“Aren’t you going to pick it up?”

“It’s just my mom calling to nag me,” he replied, sending the call to voicemail. “Every day, she calls to drone on about how I should eat something or asks me how my day was. Do I have a girlfriend,” Finn couldn’t help but catch that. _A girlfriend, huh?_ “Did I take out the trash? Don’t forget bills are due on the first, blah, blah, blah. She acts like my life would fall apart without her constant hounding. It’s annoying.”

“Oh. Right,” Finn shrugged. “Well, I’m an orphan so I don’t really know.”

“She wanted me to go into politics,” Kylo seemed to ignore him, his face contorted as if Finn had said something odd. “Super Type A and thinks everyone else should be like her.”

“Maybe your mom is just trying to show you she loves you by doing this. You know, in her own way. Maybe she has trouble relating to you and this is the only way she can think of that she can show you she cares,” there was a glimmer of a smile on Finn’s face that dropped steadily as the artist stared back at him with the foulest scowl he’d ever seen in his life. _Okay, fine, geez, I’ll stop._ Finn retreated in on himself. “I mean, I’ve never had a family so what do I know, right? I mean, sometimes I pretend, you know, what it would have been like and what kind of relationship I would have with my mom and dad, and if I had a sibling…”

Finn trailed off. Wow, this was _sad_ . And not in a Little Orphan Finn kind of way. More like in the “ _Why are you spilling your deepest and darkest secrets to your neighbor?_ ” kind of way. Kylo was still just staring at him, scowling and hard-faced. It was kind of hot that he didn’t pity him. _Fuck, focus, Finn._ Don’t make this weirder than it already is. 

“Do you not have any fucking friends or something?” Kylo asked, as if reading his mind. _Damn, he’s good at that._ “Why would you drop something heavy like that? Fucking kills the vibe.”

“Oh.” It dropped from his mouth lifelessly. What the hell does he do now? Run? That sounds right. He should _run_. “Uh, okay, I guess. I’m just gonna, uh, I guess, go then. Sorry.”

“Sit back down,” Kylo barked and Finn sank back into the sofa. “Why don’t you tell me to ‘fuck off’ or something? You just shared something extremely personal and I insulted you. Why don’t you tell me to get bent and throw your drink at me?”

 _Possibly because no one has said ‘get bent’ un-ironically in years,_ Finn thought. This was emotional whiplash. What the _hell_ does this guy want from him? He’s trying his best out here. “You want me to throw the drink at you?” Finn repeated, confirming the request. He motioned to his un-drunk bottle of beer. “This drink?”

“Yeah,” he took a swig of his own. “Then break the bottle and cut me.”

“ _What_?” It was breathy and disbelieving. This guy is insane. Well, okay, granted, Finn already had his reservations. _But this guy was insane._ “I’m not going to throw the drink at you and I’m _definitely_ not going to cut you with glass shards. Are you nuts?”

Kylo was laughing at him now. “It was a joke, you straight-edge loser,” he said on the tail end of his laughter. “So you can say ‘no’, huh?”

It was some kind of test? Why does Finn attract these sort of people around him like flies? Still, there was something to this guy that pissed Finn off to his core. His mom was a fucking senator so he knows he’s some spoiled little rich kid who thinks his life is way harder than it is. He’s slumming it in this apartment complex that Finn has to live in because fuck if they pay teachers anything, let alone teaching assistants. Not only that, he goes by this bizarre name when so many people change their names to fit in. 

Spoiled, entitled, rotten brat without any sense of how the real world works. And he had the nerve to try and teach Finn some kind of lesson on how to say no?

Finn sat up abruptly and grabbed the beer from the end table. The amber liquid threw the air in rivulets until they splattered unceremoniously on the other man. “Get bent, Kylo,” he said coldly. He stormed out and slammed the door. _Fuck, that felt good._


	2. And all things are untied

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it was all a dream.

“Which ones are yours?” 

Finn’s always wanted to go to an art gallery. It always felt like the mature, sophisticated thing to do but he didn’t know anything about art. He also didn’t even know if you just went to art galleries to look or if they expected you to buy. But now, he’s in one. A nice one where they’re handing around champagne on platters and there’s finger food nicer than any of the meals he’s ever had in his life. Thanks to Kylo. Who would have thought? _Not him._

(Kylo'd asked him to this thing, like nothing had happened...)

“That one in the corner, the red mask next to the black one.” 

(And Finn accepted, like nothing had happened...)

Kylo couldn’t be bothered to look presentable for his own art exhibition but no one here seemed to mind. Did they know who his mother was or something? Finn suddenly felt over-dressed next to him and he was just in a department store dress shirt and khakis. 

(It was nice to be able to just go forward and forget...)

“Are there, like, themes to these kinds of exhibitions? Is it masks?” It’s a dumb question considering they were standing infront of a well-endowed statue of a man and those were the only masks around. He took a step forward but his step faltered. It was kind of hot in here, wasn’t it? “Let me get a better look at it.”

(He'd never liked living in the past.)

“How many of those free drinks have you had?” Kylo took his flute from him and downed the last bit. He set the empty glass down on a passing tray and Finn felt strong fingers steady him at his waist. 

“That was my first drink in a long time and I’m a little bit of a lightweight,” Finn responded. His face felt warm and for the first time, he kinda felt pleasant. It felt good to be touched. It’s been a long time. _Ah, fuck._ Wasn’t this the reason he’d stopped drinking in the first place? It made him feel _too_ good. And when he felt good, he felt reckless. “Anyways, what’s with the masks? You only did the red one?”

“The charred black one is an original work by my grandpa,” he explained. “He was a sculptor, too. A good one.”

“Oh,” It was his go-to answer lately when Kylo spoke. It looked like burnt plastic to him but Kylo seemed pretty sentimental about it so he dropped it. “Was this his then?”

“Yeah, he only sculpted masks,” Kylo’s fingers traced the lines of the mask. “He was interested in the personas people put on. The masks we wear are what keep us alive but they can suffocate us, too. If people saw our real selves, they may hate us but we want to be loved for what we are at our cores.”

“This thing doesn’t exactly look very friendly though.”

“Who says the mask you wear has to be friendly?” he replied. “Sometimes it’s meant to keep people away.”

“That seems counter-intuitive,” He felt wobbly now. _Keep it together, Finn, don’t hiccup._ “Why would anyone go out of their way to scare people off like that?”

“I don’t know,” Kylo shrugged. Finn wanted to call him a liar but what good would that do? “My grandpa was sort of an asshole.”

“Oh, so it runs in the family then.”

“Guess so,” Kylo chuckled. It was kind of a nice noise, now that Finn thinks about it. “I think it skips a generation though.” 

“Maybe I’m rubbing off on you.”

“How do you figure that?”

“I think you might have just complimented your mom.”

“Might’ve, I guess,” Kylo glanced at the younger man who was now staring him directly in the eye. He shrugged again and laughed softly to himself. “She made up for it by marrying my dad though.”

He heard himself laugh at it as well. Is he too loud? No one is staring. He feels so damn pleasant right now. There’s a little pop song stuck in his head right now, something bubblegum and obnoxious, and he wants nothing more than to listen to it at full volume in his room. He should call Poe now; he feels that good. He could even take that.

He stared up at Kylo through heavy-lidded eyes and smiled. You know, he’s kind of cute, if you go for the artfully disheveled, unconventional type. Finn only goes for the Poe-type so it’s not for him _but_...But, _ah, yeah_ , Kylo’s straight, isn’t he? He’s got the hygiene of a stereotypical straight guy so maybe it tracks. Either way, Finn reached out to brush against a mole on Kylo’s chin. Those were nice; he had them all over. The older man gave him a funny look, looked around cautiously, then led him towards the door of the exhibit. 

He feels really good right now. His head is so light. He’s not worried about anything. He could take on the world right now. Kylo’s hands on him feel nice and Finn hummed. He’s kind of sleepy now, but he still feels so good. Why did he ever stop drinking? 

He wondered if Poe was still up. Drinking always made him feel kind of horny. It’d been a long time since he’d had sex.

_He’s kind of sleepy though..._

He’s in some kind of car now, and it’s so soothing to roll down the street. The heater is turned up, elevating his already superheated body temperature. “Kylo,” he laughed out, sounding like an idiot but not caring. It felt so good not to care. “I feel great.”

“Yeah,” the older man’s voice was tight. Why was he mad now? Damn, he was annoying. _Don’t kill the vibe now._

“You’re irritating, Kylo, but I like you anyways.”

 _Kylo’s so big, and strong..._ Finn coiled inward as the older man carried him up the stairs of their apartment. _His chest is broad, it’s nothing like Poe’s. His heart is beating so fast, too._ “Hey, Kylo,” _Is that his voice?_ “Do you like me, too? You never said.”

“Yeah,” Kylo drew the covers over Finn. He’s standing over him and he’s got this funny look on his face. Finn’s seeing stars and it looks like Kylo’s got a little fuzz around him but he’s definitely looking at him funny...“I like you, too, Finn.”

Finn shut his eyes and let gravity pull his head to the left. “That’s nice…” he slurred. 

Did he really only have one drink? Well, he had one when he came in, and then another to ease his nerves, and oh, yeah...this is why he didn’t drink again...he thought it was just in solidarity with Poe. He was gonna wait until Rey’s 21st to drink again. But he was so nervous tonight.

Why was this art exhibition making him so nervous anyways?

Oh, well. He felt really pleasant right now. He wasn’t gonna waste it worrying.

* * *

Someone’s kissing him and it feels wonderful.

Oh, it's Kylo. That's nice...this lips are soft. _Wait...this is wrong, isn’t it?_ He’s with Poe, isn’t he? He should push Kylo off of him...he’s going in for another kiss right now. _Oh._ It's okay, isn't it? That was so light and chaste, almost innocent. Kylo's fingers are so calloused, he can feel them, so rough and coarse, teasing between the buttons of his dress shirt. They're dancing against his skin now. He moaned and he almost didn't recognize his own voice. The small movements of the older man's fingers are making him quake with anticipation, tracing hot patterns against him. “You can just relax, Finn,” the man breathed against his ear. “I'll take care of you.”

Finn wanted to melt. He didn’t care about anything. What was right, what was wrong, about Poe or what Rey would say. He was so dizzy. He just wanted to stay dizzy. He didn't want to care anymore. 

“Keep doing that,” Finn moaned, almost sinful. _He felt so good, so warm, so pleasant._ "Kylo, Kylo, Kylo," it was a religious kind of chant.

“You’re so needy,” Kylo laughed, that sweet laugh, Finn liked it so much more in this moment. The older man roughly shoved a button open and a little wisp of air travelled across Finn’s chest. He didn’t know if it was the wind or Kylo that was licking him right now but it was ethereal. He wanted to cry at the overwhelming sensation. _It was never like this with Poe._ Finn placed one hand on the older man’s waist and with the other, grabbed a handful of hair. With more force than he intended, he pulled Kylo’s lips back to his own and darted his tongue in the artist's mouth. _Cigarettes, beer and cheap cologne._ It tasted magnificent against Kylo’s hissing. 

His head was spinning. “More,” Finn managed, almost in tears. It never felt like this with Poe. _Geez, Poe, he should think of Poe, shouldn’t he..._

Kylo slipped a hand across Finn’s chest, the buttons of his dress shirt so loose they’d come undone by themselves at this point. He trailed his fingers round to Finn’s back and pushed them down to touch the top of his ass. The older man’s lips travelled from Finn’s mouth down over his chest, kissing, licking, discovering a nipple and sucking it to a hard peak in his mouth. 

“You like this, don’t you?” the deep voice rumbled against his skin.

“Ah, fuck…” Finn’s back arched. _He did._ Kylo worked at his belt and pushed his khakis down. “Kylo,” the name was holy on his lips as the other man’s hot mouth sank over his rapidly stiffening cock, sucking it into his mouth, his fingers playing delicately over his balls. Finn pushed forward cautiously, only encouraging the man between his legs to suck harder, and he felt himself grow inside Kylo’s mouth until he was filling him. 

He could hardly form words. He saw stars, constellations, galaxies forming and exploding. 

Kylo’s tongue teased around his cock head, around the sensitive rim of the head, into the little slit at the tip. His hands kneaded on Finn’s ass and Finn thrust into his mouth, pushing his cock all the way past those plush lips until they hit the back of Kylo’s throat. The little gag made Finn want to come on the spot. 

The wet heat of Kylo’s mouth was delirious. Poe was never this lewd, the slurping noises, the gagging. It was always so mechanical before but now, Finn felt alive. He didn’t know it could be so transcendental. He tangled his fingers in Kylo’s mane and pulled himself harder into his mouth, until the other man couldn’t take anymore of him. Kylo’s fingers jerked on his ass, and Finn thrust and thrust, his breath coming out in little pants and grunts and moans. 

And then everything coalesced into one blazing white spear of delight, and he was coming and coming into Kylo's mouth, coming so hard the strength left his knees and his hands dropped, and he was floating, spinning, gasping out his wordless climax. 

The older man knelt there a moment, then stood up, grabbing Finn's head by the hair, pulling him close, kissing him with the taste of come still in his mouth.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” Kylo whispered against his lips. “I love you, Finn.”

Like he was being sucked into an endless abyss, Finn jolted upwards with a deep inward breath.

The sound of birdsong fluttered in through his open window. _Holy shit holy shit holy shit._ His head felt like it was splitting open. 

It was just a dream. Finn breathed out in relief, panting as panic rescinded. It was just a dream. _It wasn't real._ Holy shit. _It wasn't real._

It wasn’t real but his erection was.


	3. Perhaps we're boiling over inside

**LIFESTYLE / RELATIONSHIPS**

**TOPIC** : SHOULD I TELL MY BF ABOUT THE SEX DREAM I HAD (NOT WITH HIM)?

 _User FN-2187 wrote:_ I (23M) had a sex dream about my neighbor (29M). It’s been bothering me for a few days. Should I tell my boyfriend (32M) about it? I am not sure if it would just be weird. It only happened once and I was pretty drunk that night. 

Longer backstory: Me & my boyfriend have been having some problems lately. He’s always busy, I think he’s actually avoiding me (not sure if it’s just my anxiety or my paranoia). So I kind of struck up this acquaintance with my neighbor who helped me out while I was dog sitting (kind of). We don’t have much in common but he’s the irreverent type so you can just do whatever you want around him and it’s easy. The first time we hung out he called me a loser, I threw a drink at him. Then the next day he brought over some mis-delivered mail like nothing had happened then invited me to his art show. I DO NOT like him sexually so this was weird and out of nowhere. He’s also straight so there is no chance this would go anywhere. But I’m still not sure if I should tell my boyfriend; this has never happened to me before. Any advice or personal experience would be helpful. 

**nottinghamhillslover453:** if my (27F) bf (27M) had a sex dream about another girl, idk, i would wanna know. but question to you letter writer, does your bf know this guy?

 **FN2187:** No, he doesn’t. The guy is my neighbor. Me and my boyfriend don’t live together. 

**nottinghamhillslover453:** hmm ok but i would still tell him. esp if it’s weighing on your mind even after a few days 🥺 good luck letter writer!!! you should try to work things out with your bf as well, you might just be lonely!!!!

 **NineTails-OneHeart** : I (40M) wouldn’t. What’s the point? At best, your boyfriend shrugs it off as what it is (NOTHING). At worst, you guys have a huge fight from it. This all seems pretty minor so think about your relationship & it’s peace before any dumb “honesty” spiel. You’re not gonna sleep with the neighbor right? 

**FN2187:** No, definitely not, even if he wasn’t straight. This is by far one of the worst dreams I’ve ever had in my life. Never drinking ever again. 

**NineTails-OneHeart** : LOL, okay, that’s a little extreme. The alcohol didn’t do anything to you. 🤣 I’ll pour one out for you though man. 

**sLIPknOTfan2:** Letter writer, how did you feel after waking up? I (34M) have sex dreams all the time (I think it’s normal; random sexy synapses of the mind, right? lol) but only time it became a problem was when it bled over to reality, like having a physical reaction to the girl when I was awake. My girlfriend at the time definitely picked up on that and it only made her angrier that I hadn’t just fessed up. 

**FN-2187:** This is a good point. I haven’t seen him since it happened. I guess I was worried about how I would react. How do you know it’s not just being really, really embarrassed?

 **sLIPknOTfan2:** That’s still a reaction (tbh avoiding him is a reaction, too…) If you can’t shake it, you better hope your boyfriend and this guy aren’t ever in the same room. This is experience speaking, he’ll notice for sure. Just tell him. 

**KoenmaDemonKing:** Dude, real talk, not sure why no else is pointing it out but your relationship with this guy seems weird to begin with. He called you a loser and you spilled a drink on him (for calling you a loser or something else?) the first time hanging out? Then you’re all buddy-buddy the next day? There is no timeline, how long after all this was the sex dream?

 **FN-2187:** I told you, he’s easy to be around. He helped with the dog by hiding it from our landlord, but he also accused my boyfriend of taking advantage of me/forcing me to take care of the dog (partially the reason for the spilled drink). Sex dream was same night as the art show.

 **KoenmaDemonKing:** So the day after meeting this guy and after you went on your little date with him? Talk about burying the lede. You have bigger problems :\ I think you _do_ wanna fuck this guy. Either go fix things with your boyfriend or let him go, this isn’t fair to him

 **FN-2187:** First of all, it wasn’t a “little date.” It was just hanging out. Two, I don’t want to fuck him. I think I know that better than anyone else. And three, why the hell do you think I’m posting? I want to know if I should tell my bf. It’s not like I want to keep it a secret. 

**KoenmaDemonKing:** Don’t ask for opinions then get mad at people. Read the forum rules dipshit

 **FN-2187:** You just accused me of wanting to cheat on my boyfriend, asshole. Also why don’t you read the forum rules, you’re supposed to put your age. Are you even old enough to be on this site?

 **KoenmaDemonKing:** 20M. And yeah, you do, that’s why I said it, numbnuts. And are you sure this guy is even straight? I’m gay so I am not sure how the mind of the Straights work but I don’t think they just randomly invite neighbors they barely know to their art show (a day after meeting them? c’mon). I know why I would though and that’s if I had ulterior motives. 

**FN-2187:** Maybe some people are actually interested in getting to know each other without sex being in the mix. Grow up a little. 

**KoenmaDemonKing:** First off, you’re not that much older than me lmao calm down. Also you’re fucking delusional. He legit accused your boyfriend of being abusive without knowing you or him. So unless you’re lying to us and you know him better than you’re saying, that’s really fucking weird on his part. This guy is either super into you or a massive creep. Scratch that, he’s BOTH. I mean this with love, stay safe you massive cuck.

 **PetalsInTh3Wind (Moderator):** This post is being locked. The poster has received a sufficient variety of opinions and now it’s just descended into name calling. Letter writer, if you still want more advice, please repost your question and link back to this thread. 

Finn stared at the response, his fingers itching to reply. _Damn you, PetalsInTh3Wind, I had a scathing reply ready._ Should he re-post? I mean, the answer was overwhelmingly to tell Poe but Finn didn't like that. Maybe posting it again will get him the answers he wanted. Why couldn't go online and get validation for his bad decisions like other people? Instead, he's fighting with people like KoenmaDemonKing about if he wanted to fuck Kylo of all people. (He didn't, obviously.)

And what does sLIPknOTfan2 even know? Avoiding someone is barely a reaction; it's normal to want to collect yourself after imagining someone's lips around your... _okay, Finn, no need to dwell on it._ The only one making any sense here is NineTails-OneHeart. Why does Poe even need to know? It was a meaningless, harmless dream. It's not like him and Poe are doing well right now, too, and this sure as hell wouldn't help. Maybe nottinghamhillslover453 had the key to it all: he should try to work things out with Poe. He _is_ lonely. 

His eyes wandered to the screen. One sentence stuck out as if it was bolded: _You’re fucking delusional._

Finn groaned and slapped his forehead against the table, just barely missing his laptop. This is the last time he crowd-sources emotional intelligence.

* * *

He'll tell Poe.

They're going to meet tomorrow. 

He'll tell him then.

* * *

_Who's he kidding?_

He's sitting at his usual seat in the demilitarized zone (a popular cafe equidistant from both of their apartments that served terrible coffee and was always too loud for it's own good) and Poe's been sipping that mocha like he's building up the courage to say something. Finn's been trying to fill the time talking about his courses and his upcoming assignments but it's clear the pilot wasn't listening to a word he was saying.

It was Poe who suggested they meet today and that's rare; it's usually Finn that has to hound him for a date. Stupidly, Finn's heart had skipped a beat. He spent a little extra time on his hair and tried to pick an outfit that flattered him (it's cold as hell outside so it's really just his favorite sweater's time to shine). _Damnit_ , he'd almost been giddy about this. It had to be cosmic, right? He'd had that dream and posted on the forum, and it's just _had_ to be a _sign_.

So, why the hell does Poe look so cheerless? Wait, crap, is _this_ the day? _Is he gonna do it now? After I got myself so gotdamn excited to see him?_

“Uh, Finn,” _Fuck_ , that was a bad ‘uh, Finn’ He could sense it. “Some of my friends - you remember Jess and Snap, right? - they saw you with this guy a few nights ago.”

“Oh?” he replied nonchalantly. He didn’t do anything wrong. He had nothing to be guilty about. So why did he feel guilty? “Uh, yeah. That’s a friend of mine. Kylo Ren. He goes to the art institute. He’s a sculptor.” _Shut up, shut up, shut up. He doesn’t need all these details; you already answered the question._ “It was an exhibit on modern sculpting.” _Keep digging yourself deeper, Finn, you’re doing great. Why don't you tell him about the dream now if we're just going to keep babbling?_ “He asked if I was interested in seeing some of his work. And I said why not? It’s always good to support your friends, you know?”

“Yeah, no, it’s nothing,” Poe laughed nervously. Finn was certain there was an accusation under all that nervous laughter. _Say it._ “I mean, they just mentioned it because you know, we haven’t been able to meet up like this for a while between our schedules,” _Your schedule._ “So they thought maybe we’d, you know, broken up.”

 _Do it, Poe. Break up with me._ Finn tried to manifest it right there. (Why doesn’t he just break up with Poe?) (He doesn’t have any good reason.) (He’s a coward.) (He wants to be with Poe anyways.) (Right?) “Oh, okay,” was all Finn could muster. _What the hell was he supposed to do with that line? What do you want me to say, Poe?_

The pilot raised a curious eyebrow. “Are you mad at me?”

“Uh, no,” Finn shook his head and shrugged. He was _kinda_ mad.

“You seem mad at me.”

“Not mad.”

“Finn,” He hated it when Poe used that tone like he was talking to a difficult child. “You’re definitely mad.”

“Okay, Poe, you want me to be mad, I’ll be mad for you,” Finn snapped. “What do you want from this relationship if you never have time for it?”

“I’m trying to make time, Finn,” Poe’s defensive. “I get it. I haven’t been pulling my weight when it comes to this. I acknowledge that, okay? And I apologize.”

“That doesn’t _mean_ anything. What are you going to _do_ about it?”

Poe seemed taken aback. In the past, that would have placated Finn. “A date. Let’s go on a date.”

“When? Where?” Finn quizzed, rapid-fire. He didn’t even recognize his own voice. “Are you just going to flake on me again?”

“Wait, is this about the cabin?” the pilot asked. His face softened and he reached a hand out over Finn’s. Finn didn’t want this. _It wasn’t about the cabin._ He wanted answers but his throat closed up. “I know you put a lot of effort into planning that. I’m sorry. And this isn’t the cabin and it’s not as, you know, as _big_ as anything you could plan but let’s go to that little hot springs outside of town. They always have a room free but if they don’t, then we can go watch a movie and get dinner or something.”

 _Or something._ Does he want ‘or something’? What does he want? “Okay, I want to go to the hot springs.”

Poe blinked back a few times. “Okay, buddy, hot springs it is.”

 _Buddy_ . Poe hasn’t called him that since they started dating. It kind of made something bloom in Finn and he felt tingly and excited again at the prospect that things could go back to the way they were before Poe started getting bored of him. _Oh_ . Was _that_ what he wanted? “Call them today. You're off this week, right? I want to stay the whole week. I'll skip class so let's leave tomorrow and stay until next Friday.”

“Uh, okay, sure,” the older man nodded, taken aback. There was some level of astonishment on Poe’s face and now he was looking at the younger man with a glimmer in his eye. “Something’s changed about you, Finn. I can’t put my finger on it though.”

Finn smiled, sweet and understanding as always, and rose from his seat. “Nah, we just haven’t seen each other in a while, that’s all.”

As usual, he was saved by the bell and thank goodness, because his heart is beating wildly. His chest was tight, bells ringing in his ears, and _holy shit_ , he didn't know where all that came from but _wow_ , he can't believe Poe actually _agreed_. And the way he _looked_ at him before he left...it reminded him of _Before_. _This might work._

That giddiness from before returned and his face cracked a little, a small smile playing on his lips. _Things might actually be okay._

* * *

_4:22PM, Friday, January 15th_

**POE**

Room confirmed.

Pick you up at noon tomorrow?

**FINN**

Sounds good.

**POE**

Really looking forward to this.

It's been a while since we did something together.

**FINN**

Yeah, it has.

I'll see you tomorrow.

**POE**

Okay, babe. Have fun in classes.

* * *

Poe was good at this. 

The pilot was kissing him with a frenzy that felt familiar but sorely missed. Finn was pinned against a wall the moment they'd entered their room, door barely shut. With the same frenzy he was kissing with, Poe pulled their hips together and put his hands to work -- one grabbing a handful of Finn's ass and the other, a handful of twists -- and in a swift coordinated motion, Poe pulled and squeezed and grinded. Finn saw glittering little stars everywhere and it felt like Poe was _trying_ to choke Finn with his tongue. Finn whimpered pathetically into the kiss. It felt so good to be touched. _This is what he was missing._ "It's been a really long time," Poe's whisper was low once he finally released Finn's mouth. "Tell me what you want me to do, Finn."

Something plummeted in Finn's chest. _In my dream, all I had to do was relax._ "Blow me," Finn replied. 

( _He didn't want to think right now but if he had to, why was he thinking of Kylo of all people? No, focus, Finn, focus. Poe.)_

The older man chuckled, husky and sensuous, as he tugged Finn's fly open and shoved a hand unceremoniously down into the mess of wiry hair and grabbed at his cock. The cold roughness of Poe's hand against him made Finn's whole body jerk. He cursed loudly and the pilot moaned against the skin of his neck. "You like that, baby?"

Finn didn't like the nickname but right now he couldn't think ( _he didn't want to think_ ). "Yes, Poe, yes, I like it but fucking blow me."

"So impatient," the pilot blew against his collar bone as he lowered himself before the younger man. Slowly, teasingly, he pulled down the younger man's pants and underwear until the frosty room air was able to blow directly against his erection. "How long has it been, Finn?"

"Too long," he responded, panting, waiting, too needy. _Why are you talking so much?_

First, he felt Poe’s cheek against his thigh, sandpaper stubble grazing against smooth, hot skin. Then there was that long, agonizing moment of anticipation: soft, butterfly kisses on his pelvis, a playful tongue roaming everywhere but where he needed it to be. Finn rotated his hips in discomfort. _Fucking blow me already,_ he wanted to scream. His silent prayer was answered when the heat of breath brushed over his tip and warm, agile lips enveloping him before a velvety mouth took him in. He sighed in pleasure. _Finally._ "Fuck, Poe."

The pilot's movements were long and experienced, almost mechanical. Finn whined, half in pleasure and half wanting more. _He wanted to hear him gag and slurp like Kylo did. He wanted the a little passion, enthusiasm, he wanted to feel like Poe wanted him._ He thrust forward but almost sensing the movement, the pilot pulled back and pinned the Finn's hips to the wall with both hands. _What are you doing, you idiot? That was a dream. This is real. Don't ruin this._ Finn moved to pinch his own nipple, hoping it would help keep him hard. Poe's mouth felt good but he wanted _more._

An image flashed through his mind: _Kylo's mouth stretched around his cock, his eyes wet, his head bobbing vigorously. He's going too fast, sloppy and uncoordinated, his teeth grazing against Finn's erection haphazardly. It hurt but Finn liked it - the pain then the smooth wetness running over it as the artist found his groove again. Kylo's making a harsh guttural noise each time Finn's cock rammed against the back of his throat. With those dark, empty pupils, he's looking up at Finn and_ fuck _, he's smirking around his cock. Mocking him, taunting him, all for him...That name on his lips like religion: Kylo...!_

_What the hell was he thinking about?_

Without warning, Finn cried and shuddered as he came into Poe's mouth. 

* * *

_12:44PM, Thursday, January 21st_

**UNKNOWN**

ok i'll bite where the fuck are you

**FINN**

Who is this?

**UNKNOWN**

its me

**FINN**

Is this a joke? I don't have your number saved.

**UNKNOWN**

kylo

**FINN**

Oh.

Where did you get my number?

**UNKNOWN**

?

u gave it to me night of art show

**FINN**

I don't remember that.

**KYLO REN**

srsly?

have u been hung over this whole week or something

**FINN**

No.

I'm out of town.

With my boyfriend.

**KYLO REN**

_Kylo Ren is typing…_

_Kylo Ren is typing…_

_Kylo Ren is typing…_

**FINN**

Just say “okay.”

**KYLO REN**

okay


	4. They've been telling lies

“Those things will kill you.”

Finn watched as Kylo sniffed his shirt as he came back into his apartment after the shortest “walk” ever. Kylo didn’t even bother to try to hide the smell of the cigarettes. “It smells, right? It’s super fucking strong today for some reason.”

“Yeah, because your place always smells vaguely like cigarettes,” Finn bunched his noise. He hated the smell. Maybe Kylo’d quit if he asked? _Why does it matter to him?_ “I actually clean up around here.”

His trip with Poe had been great. Wonderful even. Poe even wanted to go out the day after they came back and they’ve had sex more in the last two weeks than ever in their whole relationship. But -- and he didn’t want to fess up to it -- it was beginning to feel like a chore. His mind would wander and be somewhere a million miles away from Poe’s throbbing cock in him. This was a whole different problem than before and Finn didn’t want to start to think about it. He’d accepted one the ciders Kylo had brought over and it was nice to just be slightly buzzed (only _slightly_ \- he’d learned his lesson before) and just... _free_ to say or do whatever. 

“Yeah, it's like a showroom in here,” Kylo said stretching out on his couch. How the hell had Finn been regulated to the loveseat? He traced the other man’s long limbs. _Oh, well. He probably needed the space to stretch._

The older man’s eyes strained to see the gilded frame on the end table just above his head. It was a picture of Finn and Poe at the beach. It was from a time the younger man could barely remember; Poe’s hand was on his waist, pressing his lips against his shoulder. Finn looked embarrassed but happy anyways. Kylo lifted the picture from above his head and examined it.

“Cute,” he said as he placed it back down. _Why do you have to say things like that so acidic-like, Kylo? Just be happy for me._ “How was your trip, by the way?”

“Great,” he responded calmly. _Each time I fucked my boyfriend, I had to use a sex dream featuring you but otherwise,_ “We had a lot of fun.”

“Did he fuck you?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“Yeah, it’s not,” the other man replied. “But I still asked a question.”

“And I answered.”

“So you _did_.”

“Whatever you think happened. Nothing I can say will change what you think,” Finn should tell him to ‘get bent’ or ‘fuck off' or whatever. Maybe this was another of his dumb little tests. “Besides, why shouldn’t I? He’s my boyfriend. I love him.”

Kylo seemed to tense up at that. He stared, incredulous at Finn, and what the hell was with _that_ look? “You _love_ him?” 

Finn used it lightly but he wasn’t gonna tell him that. “Yeah, I mean, we’ve been together for three years now. I mean…”

“No, but you fucking _love_ him? You’re saying you’d take a bullet for him?”

“I never said I’d take a bullet for him.”

“That’s what people in love do.”

“Clearly, you’ve never been in love. That’s such a bizarre thought to have.”

“If you loved him, it wouldn’t be so bizarre.”

“I never pegged you for the hopeless romantic,” Finn reached for the cider. It was warm now but he wasn’t drinking for pleasure. He wanted to feel light again. _Ah, fuck, that’s how alcoholics think, isn’t it? This is the last time,_ he decides. It’s getting too reckless. “Have you been in love or something?”

That shut Kylo up quickly, whatever was on his lips dropped the moment Finn asked the question. “I mean,” he started. He almost seemed coy. _Cute_. “There are fucks I’d kill for.”

Finn laughed, half tipsy and half because _of course_ , Kylo would die for a good lay. Not for country, not for family, not for honor. For a good plowing, the boning of the century, a _fuck_ , as he would put it. “Oh, yeah? Does he know that? I’m sure he’d be flattered.”

“Please, if I told him that, his ego would take over the city,” the older man scoffed. A moment later, he muttered but it was too loud. Like he wanted Finn to hear. “I should give him a call.”

 _No, you fucking shouldn’t._ The thought took him by surprise. His chest felt tight and oddly, the time he had with Kylo became so personal. He felt a little possessive? _Of course he did._ Kylo was trying to ditch him for a fling and after all he'd been through with Poe, he'd realized that his love language was quality time. _So, this is a normal reaction._ “You should,” he shrugged. _After all, friends support each other, don’t they?_

“I will,” It’s a harsh reply. Clearly, it wasn’t what he expected from Finn. Why was it suddenly so combative? “Is he your first boyfriend?”

“Huh?” He was a little out-of-it as he read the alcohol content of the can. _8%._ He didn’t know it could be that _high_. _All that from some tiny little apples?_ “Oh, yeah, he is. The nuns didn’t encourage relationships, let alone if you were gay. Sister Kha’l would have had a stroke if she’d looked under my mattress and found all those men’s underwear catalogs.”

Kylo hummed a little. Too nonchalant, like he was trying not to care. “You’ve always liked guys? Never girls? You're sure then?”

Finn considered. “Well, maybe. It’s kind of all up there. I’ve got a friend, Rey, I really like her. We’re better off as friends, but I think it could have gotten to the point where I would have happily slept with her,” He’d never said that out loud before. _Huh_. He shrugged. “So maybe it’s not so black and white.”

“But are they your type?”

“Oh, that’s a good way to put it, I guess,” Finn swayed. Did Kylo purposely always have alcohol around or was he just a degenerate? What was _he_ trying to run from with a light head? “They’re my type, for sure. They don’t always get along but they’re pretty similar, you know? Like hates like.”

There was a long silence after that but it was cozy. Finn didn’t feel like he had to speak. 

He did anyway. “What type of girls do you usually go for?”

“I don’t go for girls at all,” Kylo’s face immediately scrunched up in confusion and he propped himself up on an elbow to get a better look at Finn. His face is strange, again, and he's looking at him in a way he can't decipher. Huh? Huh. _Oh_. Kylo had said it before, hadn’t he? _I should give_ him _a call._ _Him_. He said ‘him.’ Oh, _wow_. Finn’s mouth was a little dry and there was a little electric spark in the air now. He's been running on the assumption that Kylo was...but he's not. At least, not all the way, is he? _Oh_. Finn’s not sure what to do with this information. The older man seemed irritated again. _When is he not?_ “I don’t have a type anyways," he finally answered.

He does seem like the indiscriminate type. Geez, what's he mad at this time? The atmosphere definitely just soured and now his bladder was trying to get him the hell out of it. “I’ve gotta use the bathroom,” he stumbled from the loveseat and luckily, this was his place or else he’d be worried about his aim. “One sec, okay?”

Kylo didn’t respond as he watched Finn enter the narrow hallway that resembled his own apartment. The door shut with a less creaky noise than his own but the soft click and sound of heavy liquid against the bowl let him know Finn had made it safely. When the coast was clear, his eyes wandered back to the photo on the end table.

Slowly, he traced his own jawline. Poe’s facial hair looked like it came in strong even if he only had a five o’clock shadow in all his pictures. His came in patchy but without it, he looked like a kid. Poe’s nose was almost Grecian; his nose was a little crooked and busted from the time he fell out of a tree when he was 13. Poe’s got those nice laugh lines that framed his face and eyes; his face was littered with little black specks that no one in a million years would call beauty marks. What he’s getting at is, Poe’s not a bad looking guy. 

Actually, he’s fucking objectively hot. Even Kylo could see that. And hot was everyone’s type, wasn’t it?

_He doesn’t need to take this shit. He doesn’t. Fuck this. He doesn't._

He didn’t bother to wait for Finn to come out of the bathroom. He slammed the door shut with a bang loud enough to rattle the whole building as he left. 

* * *

_9:05PM, Wednesday, February 3rd_

**FINN**

Where did you go all of a sudden? You scared the hell out of me.

Phasma came up and yelled at me about the door. 

**KYLO REN**

sorry

tell her it was me n she’ll leave u alone

**FINN**

I doubt it. She has it out for me. 

She’s threatening to kick me out for the cigarette smell, too. 

What does this woman have against me?

**KYLO REN**

tell her to fuck off

**FINN**

I wish.

**KYLO REN**

no srsly

i fucking own the building 

she’s not kicking u out

fuck

soorry

i shouldn’t hae done that should i

**FINN**

I’m sorry, you what?

**KYLO REN**

i shoudln't have slammed the door

**FINN**

Not that. ****

**KYLO REN**

don’t worry abt phasma

**FINN**

You’re just gonna ignore the question then?

**KYLO REN**

idk why ur asking i said it clearly

**FINN**

Are you lying to me? You’re really a landowner?

You? A member of the gentrifying land-owning class?

**KYLO REN**

my dad bought it my name when i was a kid

my mom was pissed but the damage was done

ur rent is cheap isn’t it

what are you complaining about 

**FINN**

Nothing, Mr. Pennybags. 

Nothing at all. I just don't want the other peasants to think I'm getting special treatment. 

Just you can afford to hire someone to clear your apartment but you don’t.

And you’re not some struggling artist. 

You’re actually just some mega-rich chucklefuck who gets his kicks from mingling with the commoners. 

**KYLO REN**

why r u mad rn

**FINN**

I’m not mad. 

**KYLO REN**

ok im sorry for w/e

the door

**FINN**

What are you apologizing for? 

You didn't do anything wrong. 

Have a good one. I’m going to bed. 

**KYLO REN**

ur being such a lil bitch

get over it 

what do u want me tod o

sell the building???

finn

answer my fucking messages

hey

heyhey

hey

gotdamnit

answer me


	5. Who's been telling lies?

This was nice.

On his couch, his limbs tangled with Poe's, some bad action movie playing the background that they weren't really watching. The pilot hasn't been to his place in a while (and he hasn't been to Poe's in a while either), and now it was like they'd never had any problems at all. He didn’t even know how he’d gotten Poe to agree to _The Trip_ but he felt like he was on pins and needles now, trying to keep Poe interested, trying not to let the spark fade. _This was nice._ He shouldn't ruin it. He should just let Poe keep nipping at his neck, he should just keep kneading, stroking, pressing. _But you fucking_ love _him though?_ Why did he always have to be thinking about Kylo? Geez, he should just pull Poe's hair and breath him in. He shouldn't say anything. He shouldn't ask through a gasp, “Do you love me, Poe?”

 _Ah, crap._ Poe tensed at the question, completely stopped moving. “Oh, uh, I --”

“Never mind,” Finn said, just as quickly. _What a stupid thing to ask._ He knew all that stammering would just lead to a lukewarm ‘I care about you.’ That wasn’t what he asked. _That’s not what he wanted to know._

“No, it’s not never mind,” Poe replied after a moment. His face suddenly very serious. He's not making eye contact. And now, he's even started to de-tangle himself from Finn. _Ah, crap._ “I think we should talk.”

 _Ah, damn_. He wanted to talk. A second ago, he definitely wanted to fuck and now he wants to talk. _Damn_. “I was caught up in something. Ignore it.”

Finn attempted reached out to touch him again but Poe shook his head. “Finn…” he started but the knock on the door interrupted his line of thought. “Are you expecting someone?”

“No,” but thank goodness they’d come because what the hell had Finn gotten himself into? “I should get it though.”

“Let them think you’re not home.”

The younger man got up from the couch. “I’ll get it.”

Maybe he shouldn’t have gotten it because when Finn saw Kylo’s face, he wanted to slam the door shut. He didn’t know why though. It was just Poe and him. Him and his boyfriend. Very normal and okay. Kylo knew about them but some ancient guilt seemed to rise from the pit of his stomach. “Mail,” Kylo held up the topic of conversation. The look on Finn’s face must have tipped him off to something. “What? Are you still mad at me?”

“No,” Finn replied hastily. _Go away._ He accepted the letter and closed the door to a crack. “Thanks and bye.”

The older man rested a broad hand on the door, pushing it open slightly. “So you are mad then.”

“I’m not but go away,” he struggled against the door. “I have company.”

“Who?”

“None of your business.”

“Finn, who is it?” Poe called out, his voice approaching. _Oh, shit_ , Finn thought as his grip on the door loosened in surprise. Poe and Kylo locked eyes. _Oh, shit._ “Hi?” the greeting came out unsure on the pilot’s lips. 

Kylo recognized the other man immediately. _He’s hotter in person. Ain’t that a kick in the head?_ “Hi, Poe.”

“You know my name?” the pilot glanced at Finn curiously. 

“Yeah, Finn’s always going on about you.”

“He does?” His voice is still confused as his gaze sharpens. “He’s never mentioned you.”

“Oh?” he replied like there was some secret hanging in the air. The small smirk on Kylo’s lips made Finn want to deck him. “That’s odd.”

“Yeah, but you know,” Poe’s tongue cut through his lips, agitated. “Something about you seems familiar.”

“Oh, really?” 

Poe turned his head fully to look at Finn then returned it to Kylo. “Yeah. You like art at all?”

Kylo was a mind-reader, Finn was convinced, because there was a realization that seemed to wash over his features. “I’m a sculptor.”

“Ah, then Finn _has_ mentioned you. My mistake,” Poe’s smiling but it seemed hostile. “You had a show recently, didn’t you?”

“I did,” Kylo nodded. He tossed a glance at the younger man, still hanging on to the door knob. “Finn went with me.”

 _Why the fuck would you say that?_ He didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t have anything to worry about. Why shouldn’t Kylo say that? Finn’s already admitted it. _But_ _why the fuck would you say that?_ “He told me,” Why was the atmosphere so tense right now? “I’d love to see your work sometime.”

“Sure. Anytime.”

“Thanks for bringing the letter,” Finn interjected. “We’re kind of busy here so...”

“Actually, Finn, I forgot I have something to do at 3. I should go,” Poe smiled. Why is that smile so strained though? “Nice to meet you, Kylo.”

“I never told you my name.”

“Finn did,” he replied as he pushed past the artist. _He remembered._ He looked back at Finn, “I’ll text you later.”

They both watched him leave and when Poe was gone, Finn let himself get angry. “Why are you even here?”

“What’s his problem?” Kylo laughed with derision. “And what do you mean? I delivered your mail.”

The corner of Finn’s mouth twitched in irritation. “Just slip it into my box next time,” _Did he know Poe was here? Kylo could see all the comings and goings from the ground floor, couldn’t he?_ “Thanks again and bye.”

“Wait, don’t I get to come in?”

“No.”

“But you’re free now, aren’t you?”

“No, I’m not and besides, I paid my rent on the first like everyone else. These little visits are beginning to feel like unscheduled inspections.”

“Fuck, not this again. Okay, fine, I’ll sell it then,” he responded casually, if not a little annoyed. “Will that make you happy? Can I come in _now_?”

“ _What_?” 

“I don’t fucking care about this place,” the broad hand on the door pushed it open just a little further. He’s always towered over Finn, got too much into his space, stared a little too hard. But now, it all seemed to intensify and something swirled deep within Finn. Flashes of his dream bombarded his thoughts and suddenly he was very warm and uncomfortable. “I’d rather have you.”

There was something low and fatal about the way Kylo said that and every hackle Finn had was suddenly raised. He was in _danger_. _Fuck_ , he’d always thought Kylo was a creep so was this it? This was the moment? ‘Kylo Takes A Blunt Object To My Head Day’ was gonna be today, wasn’t it? _But it wasn’t._ No, that wasn’t the kind of danger he was in, was it? The kind of danger he was in made him open the door just a touch wider. It made his mouth dry. It made him wish dreams could come true. 

“I’m busy,” Finn said abruptly. 

Kylo’s face dropped, bewildered, as he opened his mouth to speak. Finn shook his head. No, this can’t happen. Why would he say something like that? _I’d rather have you_? Who the hell says that? Fuck, he probably read way more into that than he should have. Kylo probably meant he’d rather have his friendship. Wait, his friendship? Over property? In this country? He couldn’t have meant friendship...but what did he mean? Not that. This dream was messing with his mind. Kylo’s straight, wasn’t he? _No_. No, he wasn’t, was he? He’d learned that a few days ago, hadn’t he? 

He should call Poe. He seemed mad. He should call Poe. _Now._

The door slammed in the other man’s face and Finn doesn’t fucking care if Phasma will be up in five minutes to chew him out about it.

* * *

_5:34PM, Wednesday, February 10th_

**POE**

He lives in your fucking building??????

**FINN**

What?

**POE**

Don’t play dumb. 

That Kylo guy was the one that Jess and Snap saw you with

_Poe is typing…_

**FINN**

Yeah, I told you that?

_Finn is typing..._

**POE**

I wanted to be mature about it 

they said his hands were all over you at that show too

_Poe is typing..._

**FINN**

Yeah so????

I had a little too much to drink

_Finn is typing..._

**POE**

and that you didn’t seem to mind

**FINN**

and he helped me home

That’s it

_Finn is typing..._

**POE**

And now I learn he lives in your building??

_Poe is typing..._

**FINN**

Why did you leave if this bothered you?

_Finn is typing…_

**POE**

Stay away from that guy

Wtf do you mean you were drunk

_Poe is typing..._

**FINN**

Why don’t you call me

What

You don’t get to tell me who I can hang out with

**POE**

You were drunk??? And he took you home????

_Poe is typing..._

**FINN**

Drunk as in drinking

_Finn is typing..._

**POE**

You don’t drink 

Wtf did he slip you something

_Poe is typing..._

FINN

Well I was drinking that night

What?? NO

And again you don’t get to tell me who I can hang out with

**POE**

He took you to his place or your place

**FINN**

My place obviously

Wtf are you implying here

**POE**

Nothing

Except I don’t trust that guy

**FINN**

What is your problem

Just call me

This is so stupid 

**POE**

How close are you two if he knows all about me

**FINN**

Not close at all

He just says crap like that 

Answer my call

**POE**

I don’t wan tto talk to you right now

Why did he look at you like that

Made me feel like i was fucking intruding 

And why did you answer the door so secretly

Fuck

Stop calling me

**FINN**

Why are you upset???

He just brought me my mail

**POE**

What did he do after I left

**FINN**

He went back to his place

**POE**

You’re lying

**FINN**

Because you want me to be a liar

**POE**

Stop hanging out with him

**FINN**

Ok fine he doesn’t mean anything to me

But fuck you

Because you don’t get to control who i see

**POE**

Fuck me???

Oh i get it

Its him

He’s what made you so different lately

I bet i could make an exact timeline right back to him

**FINN**

This is so annoying you realize that??

Maybe I decided what I wanted recently??? Have you ever thought about that

**POE**

Is it him

Is he who you want

**FINN**

You know what

Fuck off

Delete my number

Blocking yours

**POE**

Done

Also to answer your dumb little question from before

I did love you


	6. There are no angels

“Why did you break up with Poe?”

Rey was taking all this information about Kylo poorly and it worried Finn that was the first question out of her mouth. Every time Finn told her a factoid about the artist, her face would bunch in something like disgust. How Finn met him? A sassy little bunching, just her lips in a small pout and wide-eyed ‘are you kidding?’ stare. This, he could live with. But then the first time Finn hung out with him? Indignant bunching. A few quick blinks of the eye, the head titled sharply to the right, asking loudly ‘are you serious?” He was worried her face wouldn’t go back to normal now that she’s incorporated a narrowed gaze to it all. 

But then Finn described how Kylo looked. Incredulous bunching. And for some reason, that irritated him because Kylo’s not a bad looking guy. Sure, he’s not Poe. He’s not winning awards but it was charming. He had gentle eyes, and his smile made him feel warm inside, even when he wasn’t drinking. Rey had no right to judge the grainy photo on his school’s web page the way she did. 

“Why…?” Finn repeated, dumbfounded. “He accused me of cheating on him over nothing.”

“ _Nothing_?” she scoffed. “You should hear Jess and Snap’s version of ‘nothing.’”

“I don’t want to hear it because I know what happened that night, which is nothing,” Finn got ready to stand. _Why couldn't Snap and Jess mind their own business? Or better yet, just stay out of_ his _?_ “And if you are going to just assume the worst of me, too, then I don’t think we need to be friends either.”

Rey opened her mouth to speak but closed it again. She drew her lips into a tight line. “Sit down, Finn. You know I trust you so stop being dramatic.”

He sat back down. Yeah, he knew. He knew she trusted him. She was probably the only one that did. Snap, Jess, Iolo, they’re all Poe’s friends. But Rey? She was _his_ friend; the only one he had that wasn’t based completely on his relationship with Poe. She trusted him but, “You don’t believe me though.”

“I believe nothing happened.”

“But you don’t _believe_ me.”

“No, Finn, I think nothing happened between you and this guy. You’re as honest as you are confused,” she replied. “It’s what you _want_ to happen that’s the issue.”

Rey’s always been a mindreader, too, hasn’t she? From the first moment they’d literally collided, she always seemed to be in sync with him like no one else has; like she had access to thoughts he didn’t even know he had. He ought to get her and Kylo in a room together sometimes. That’ll show both of ‘em. 

“I don’t want anything to happen,” Finn paused for a moment. “I’m just pissed off about this whole Poe thing. What a stupid way to end everything.”

“You broke up with him though,” Rey sipped her coffee. “Which honestly, shocked me. I thought you’d be too chicken to break it off. Seriously, I would have bet money on you and Poe having two kids and a mortgage before _you_ of all people broke it off.”

“Wow, you don’t have to say it like that,” he frowned. “Besides, it _was_ Poe’s wild accusations that caused the whole thing to go off the rails.”

“Maybe it’s for the best,” Rey rested her chin in her hand and tilted her head as if she were contemplating the mysteries of the galaxy. “You two haven’t been happy for a while.”

“You noticed?”

“Yeah, anyone with eyes could see that.”

“It was getting better.”

“I thought so.”

The conversation lulled for a moment as something familiar tugged at Finn. _Regret, guilt_ , and _fuck, why couldn’t he just take the blame like he usually did?_ “Should I try to call him?”

“Do you want to call him?”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake, Rey, will you just give me a straight answer?”

“You want me to decide if you should make up with Poe?” she laughed with an incredulous edge. “Are you mental? I’m not the one dating him. You make that choice.”

“I don’t know what to do though.” 

“Yeah, well, I’m definitely not the right person to ask. I’m your friend but I’m Poe’s friend, too, so this puts me in a tough spot, you know?” Rey scowled. A beat later, she sighed in defeat. “That guy. This Kylo guy. He isn’t looking for friendship, okay? I think Poe’s right there. And I say this with love, Finn, as your friend, but I am not sure _what_ you’re looking for when it comes to that guy. He sounds absolutely awful based on what you’re telling me.” 

“Could you for one just tell me what you’re really trying to say instead of speaking in cryptic soundbites?”

“The same thing I’ve been trying to beat over your head for a while now!” Rey rarely raised her voice with him and Finn retreated back in his seat in response. She noticed the retreat and softened. “Stop trying to please other people, Finn. Do what makes you happy and stop thinking so little of your friends. I don’t care about the others, I can’t speak for them, but _I_ will always love you regardless of what happens.”

“Regardless of what happens,” he repeated, tasting the words, trying to parse out the meaning. What _was_ going to happen? He didn’t know what to do with himself. He could date again now that it was over with Poe. But it’s been a long time. Meeting new people just seemed like a chore at this point. _Regardless of what happens_ , she said. How many options does he really have...? _Oh_. Oh, Finn gets it: “You want me back with Poe then?”

“I just want you to be happy and Finn, you aren’t happy now. Granted, you weren’t happy with Poe either but I am not sure the path you’re going down is really worth it.” 

“The path I’m going down now?” He searched for the words then shook his head. “Okay, you got me. What path am I going down?”

“A bad one,” she replied. “And I can’t stand around and watch you make a mistake because of some creep who’s preying on you when you’re down.”

“Some creep?” he titled his head in confusion. “Wait, do you mean Kylo?”

“Yeah, I mean _Kylo_ ,” she spat the name out. Oh, she _really_ doesn’t like him. Finn wanted to tell her he’s not that bad of a guy when he edits himself and stops to realize the world isn’t against him like he thinks. He’s just an annoying little rich kid who's never actually had to deal with real world problems so he just makes them up as he goes. “What’s he doing, Finn? Giving you attention when your boyfriend won’t? Making you think Poe is this Big Bad Guy? De-incentivizing you from actually sitting down and figuring out why things aren’t clicking anymore with Poe?”

Finn exhaled a chuckle. “Okay, so you really want me to make up with Poe. Why didn’t you just say that?”

“No,” her tone was firm. “No, I don’t want you to do anything you don’t want to do. I just want you to know why you’re doing them. I know you’re used to people telling you want to do your whole life and when you lost that structure, you just started going with the flow. Oh, everyone’s going to join the karate club? Guess I’ll join, too, because even though I hate any sort of fighting, I’d rather get into a literal fist fight than have to be confrontational,” She was mocking him now, weird tonal inflections and hands waving about, but damned if that wasn’t how it went. But Finn ended up being pretty good at it though so it all worked out, didn’t it? “ _Just_ , what do you want? Right now, tell me, in your heart, what are you feeling? Not what you think I want to hear. Not what you think will please all those other people who you _think_ are going to abandon you if you don’t make up with Poe.”

“I, _um_ , I think I want to talk to Poe,” Finn replied after a long pause. “Yeah, I want to talk to him and I think I don’t want to break up over whatever _that_ was. I think I want some closure. I think I’m pissed off.”

“Now we’re getting somewhere,” she perked. “And you don’t have to, you know, make up with him if you don’t want to, okay? Even if _he_ does, you know. It’s about you.”

He and Rey had similar backgrounds but he wasn’t sure how they’d gotten to be so different. They were orphans, shitty upbringings, poor as hell, scrapers. They only had themselves to depend on until they found each other and even then, it was hard to learn to lean on someone else. Because who they really were - sad, lonely, scared, broken perfectionists with abandonment issues - would have any normal person running in the opposite direction. But she was the type to take, he was the type to give. They complemented each other. But sometimes Finn wishes he could have been the taking type rather than the giving type.

“Okay, I’ll extend the olive branch. Though I _also_ think he should be doing that himself.”

“You can always wait until he does.”

“Didn’t you just chew me out about waiting for him to act and me going with the flow, and yada, yada, yada?” 

Finn wanted to frown but this felt good. She was beaming at him; that kind of mischievous ‘oh, yeah, I did, didn’t I?’ kind that Rey was so good at flashing. This was who she was and he knew she was just trying to prove a point. Like it was some kind of dumb test. _The same kind of dumb test he’d chewed Kylo out for, huh?_ He really ought to get them in the same room one of these days. 

Finn pulled his phone out. “Gimme a sec then.”

_12:55PM, Saturday, February 13th_

**FINN**

Hey. Didn’t block you. Hope you didn’t block me so you can get this message.

Do you want to talk about what happened? Because I’m not sure how it got to this point.

Anyway, let me know if you want to talk. Either in person or on the phone. 

“Why are you typing so much?” Rey peeked over the table to get a glimpse at the phone. “Just say something like ‘hey let’s meet to talk about what happened.’”

Finn laughed softly. “Oh, so now you come through with suggestions.”

“I mean, with words, I can help. I’m most excellent with phrasing.”

“Please. You talk exclusively in incomplete thoughts and riddles.”

“But you get me.”

“But I get you,” he smiled. “Most of the time, at least.”

“Well, a person’s gotta have some mystery,” she returned the smile. “So that works just fine for me.”

_1:10PM, Saturday, February 13th_

**KYLO REN**

here

[image]

proof it’s listed

i won’t be your stupid landlord soon

so stop being mad at me now

When he’d pulled the phone out of his pocket, his heart had beat wildly, expecting some sharp rejection from Poe. Instead, he had to deal with this fucking idiot. Because he actually did it. Whatever nervous build-up there was dissipated as annoyance set in. Maybe Rey was right. Who the hell does this for a _friend_ ? But it’s not like Kylo’s ever come on to him so really, he really is just a massive creep. Or a weirdo. _Or..._ he let out a frustrated exhale as he opened the message to respond. 

_1:12PM, Saturday, February 13th_

**FINN**

You’re so annoying.

Why would you do that? You’re actually insane. 

Don’t sell it to one of those gentrifying real estate developers. 

Seriously, how can you just sell a whole building? Casually? Just like that?

You obviously don’t work. How will you afford to eat? Is this your only source of income?

Fuck, how have you managed to make me care about a fucking landlord?

“Is it Poe?” Rey asked curiously. Finn didn’t even look up, his leg was bouncing in anger. _Kylo Ren is typing..._ and Rey was talking, “Holy shit, are you two fighting again? What did he say?”

Finn looked up, snapped back to where he was. “Oh, uh, no, it’s my bank actually.”

**KYLO REN**

why the fuck are u mad now

isnt this what u wnted

just tell me what you want me to do and i’ll do it

i’ll be fine don’t worry abt me

_You’re such a bad liar_ , Rey rolled her eyes. “You’re texting your bank a lot.”

Finn didn’t bother to look up this time as he sent messages rapid-fire. “It’s an automated message. I’m letting out my pent up aggression.”

**FINN**

Why don’t you fix the creaky doors, replace the hallway lights, and give each apartment a new coat of paint?

And the old lady in 3B had a hip surgery recently and needs the place modified. You know, like lower the cabinets and bars in the shower and crap like that. Try adding those. 

The elevator is too fucking slow, have someone look at it. 

And fire Phasma. Do this first.

And clean your room and wash your dishes. 

It’s disgusting and I won’t go back down there again until it’s habitable. 

“Do you think that’s healthy or constructive?” she asked, still trying to sneak a peek over the table.

**KYLO REN**

ok

is that it

if i do all that will u be happy

His heart rate seemed to slow down a little bit as he read the messages and the bounce in his leg slowed to an infrequent tap. “No, but it feels great.” 

**FINN**

Maybe. I don’t know. Do it and we’ll see. 

“It feels great yelling at a machine?” Rey’s eyebrow rose in skepticism. “They can’t fight back, you know.”

**KYLO REN**

i’ll do it

so can i come over tonight

i just finished a piece and i want u to see it

“It’s not yelling. It’s justified criticism.”

**FINN**

I don’t care. 

Rey eased into her jacket and shrugged. “Look, you weirdo, let’s head next door already. We’re gonna be late to this movie if we don’t get a move on.”

**KYLO REN**

Ok im coming then

i missed hanging out w u

“Oh, I didn’t notice.” Finn crumpled his coffee cup and tossed it into the trash. As the headed out the door, he stared once more at the message on his phone. “Rey?”

**FINN**

Don’t know if I can say the same.

But come by if you want.

**KYLO REN**

i want to

i want to be around u

Rey tossed a glance over her shoulder, the ‘yeah?’ hanging silently, awaiting an answer. Finn looked up from his phone and into her eyes, wide and full of thoughts and indispensable feelings that Finn didn’t have access to but desperately wished he could decipher. _In a weird way, they reminded him of..._ “Kylo’s not a creep and he’s not preying on me.”

Rey wanted to say something, Finn could see it in her eye, but instead she opted to shake her head. “Okay,” she said without any feeling, a mere acknowledgement that something was said. She stretched out a little bit before speaking again, “So, what do you think the big twist is gonna be? All the reviews say you won’t see it coming.”

She was always good about knowing when to change the subject. A mind reader, through and through. “Giant meteor.”

Rey laughed. “It can’t always be a giant meteor. You always say giant meteor and it’s _never_ a giant meteor.”

_1:30PM, Saturday, February 13th_

**POE**

Yeah. Same. I’m sorry. Just wanted to say that before we meet. Really sorry.

I’m an idiot.

I can come over to your place tonight. If that’s ok. This time I won't freak out (I promise).

I love you, Finn.

“What’s wrong _now_? Is it Poe?” Rey asked as they entered the theater. Finn had stopped dead in his tracks as he re-read the messages. “What did he say? Hey, Finn, are you okay?”

_I love you, Finn._

“Nothing,” he smiled, jamming the phone in his back pocket. “It was my bank again. I’m overdrawn so this movie better be good.”

 _How many times do you think you can get away with saying it’s your bank, you idiot?_ She wanted to say it, but she shrugged. He’d just come up with another bad lie, wouldn’t he? She grabbed and leaned against his arm. “I hope so, too,” she muttered. 

**FINN**

Not tonight. I have plans with Rey.

Tomorrow afternoon? 

**POE**

Valentine’s Day?

Maybe it’s a sign.

**FINN**

Yeah, maybe it is.

_1:43PM, Saturday, February 13th_

**KYLO REN**

[image]

i fucking hate cleaning

ur right this place is disgusting

come to my place when ur back tho 

i should be done by 2nite then u can strike this off ur list

**FINN**

You have hardwood flooring in that picture but when I went to your place, the floor was soft.

Do I want to know why?

**KYLO REN**

i said not to take off your shoes

**FINN**

That means I don’t want to know. 

I’m going home immediately if it’s not clean.

**KYLO REN**

it will be 

so get off my back

**FINN**

This is what you get for years of living in filth. 

**KYLO REN**

i didn’t miss ur constant nagging

_2:22PM, Saturday, February 13th_

**REY**

Stop freaking texting during the movie. 

**FINN**

Sorry. Lost track of time.

**REY**

It’s ok

But the smile on your face means that you and “your bank” are gonna be ok though, right?

**FINN**

Yeah

We’re gonna be ok.


	7. There are devils in many ways

“Hey, what’s your real name?”

The bastard had actually cleaned up and it was like being in a different place altogether. He was kind of shocked that an artist would live in a place with nothing but the bare essentials. It was almost as undecorated and barren as his own place. Maybe the dirt and clutter was Kylo’s artistic aesthetic? He kind of felt bad for making him clean up. It was his usual pattern: says what he wants then feels bad for wanting things. But Kylo didn’t seem to care. When he’d opened the door, he'd seemed shocked that Finn had actually shown up. That weird expression he made might even have been described as a smile. Finn might have returned it. 

“What do you mean?” Kylo yawned. He was stretched out like a cat on the floor, just beyond the table in front of the TV. “Kylo Ren is my real name.”

Finn leaned back on the sofa and stared at the ceiling. “You’re kidding me, right?”

“It’s the name I picked for myself,” he grunted as he lifted himself upright. “So it’s my real name. Do you want a drink?”

“No,” Finn said quickly. He wanted to be in his right mind tonight. “Fine, Kylo’s your name but what is the name on your government documents?”

The older man made his way to the kitchenette and Finn could hear the frown as he spoke: “Why do you want to know this so badly?”

“I’m trying to steal your identity.”

“Finally, a good fucking answer out of you.” There was a smirk in there somewhere as he approached. He waited for a dramatic moment before he plopped down next to Finn on the couch and opened the beer can. “Ben.”

“Ben,” Finn repeated, taking a moment to observe Kylo’s profile next to him. “Feels too normal for you.”

He shrugged and took a long sip. “I was named after some guy that knew my grandpa and my folks. I had nothing to do with it.”

“Might be the only thing you’ve ever been innocent of,” the younger man chuckled. 

Kylo turned his head to stare Finn in the eye. He eyed the younger man’s lips. “You’re on a roll tonight.”

 _This was nice_ , Finn thought. _Easy._ Kylo was easy. Comfortable. Finn could just say anything he wanted. Yeah, Kylo might get a little moody but hell, when _isn’t_ he moody? 

“Okay, Ben,” The name felt good against his tongue, warm like honey. _How many people call him Ben?_ he wondered as he stared at the statue that was on the table. It was what Kylo wanted to show him so badly. With a deep sigh, the smell of ale bombarding his nostrils, he pointed at the piece of "art": “What’s it supposed to be anyways?” 

Finn knew it was _something_ , that’s for sure, but he didn’t know how to describe it. Purple and melted? But there was a lump there, a little purposeful groove across the top, and if he turned his head to the side (all the blood felt like it was pooling on the left side of his cranium now), it kind of looked like the face of a man. _Kind of_. There was also a giant...sword? Maybe a large stick? Whatever it was, it had apparently nailed his guy square between his lop-sided eyes and gone straight through him. So, it was certainly _something_. He never understood art but he wasn’t even sure if this was meant to be art or a cry for help. 

“It’s called _Man At World’s End_ ,” Kylo sounded a bit proud and Finn decided he’ll to at least try not to grimace when he gets around to acknowledging him face-to-face. “You were the inspiration.”

 _Nevermind._ The grimace stayed firmly in place. Finn pointed a limp finger at the thing, craning his neck to look at the older man, “ _I_ inspired _this_?”

“Yeah.” 

“That’s probably the worst thing you’ve ever said to me,” Finn replied, meeting Kylo’s eyes. There was an intense storm at play in them, begging Finn to ask the question: “How does this remind you of me in any way?”

“It’s nuanced chaos”

 _Artist mumbo-jumbo_ , Finn thought. “What does that even mean?”

Kylo shifted and sat closer to Finn, their sides touching. He drew a line across the one of the grooves at the top. “It’s the head of a man. An impression, the vague idea, you see him but there are these little elements that you’ll miss if you focus too much on the bigger picture. Here,” Kylo grabbed Finn’s hand and placed it over another set of markings to the left side of the figure. His hands were cold and rough, sending a chill up Finn's spine. “This is a constellation. Cassiopeia. She was a vain and arrogant queen in Greek mythology.”

“So you think I’m vain and arrogant?”

“Yeah, more than you let on,” he chuckled softly. It’s that pleasant noise again and the thought makes him shudder. The warmth radiating from Kylo burned him to the bone now. The artist moved the younger man’s hand to a slightly colorful portion he hadn’t noticed, just beneath what should be the man’s chin. “This one is an open cluster, Jewel Box. It’s beautiful and young in the night sky, but even though you can see it with the naked eye, it only appears as a hazy star. You won’t be able to appreciate it if you aren’t really looking.”

Finn swallowed and took a shaky breath. “You like space, huh?”

“It's beautiful and endlessly fascinating,” Kylo didn’t let go of his hand. “What’s there not to like?”

“Nothing is endless. You’ll get bored eventually.”

“No,” Kylo’s thumb traced a mindless pattern on the back of Finn’s hand. “I don’t think I ever will.”

Finn pulled his hand out of the other man’s and pointed at the statue. “What’s with the giant spear through his head?”

“Oh, that,” he replied nonchalant. His eyes followed Finn’s hand back to his lap. “It’s the world. He’s got the galaxy within him but it’s the fucking Earth that’ll kill him.”

“Me.”

“What?”

“You said this was me. So the Earth is killing me here.”

“See, this is your vain and arrogant side coming through,” Kylo hummed. “It’s _inspired_ by you. It’s not supposed to _be_ you.”

“Same difference,” Finn frowned and shifted to put distance between their bodies. “This thing is terrible.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you think Poe wants to see it?” Kylo leaned back again but Finn stayed rigid, ready to leap off the couch if he needed. The older man shifted to stare at the back of his head. “He said he wanted to see my work sometime. Do you think now's a good time?”

Speaking of which, _ah, crap,_ he was meeting Poe tomorrow, wasn't he? Part of him wishes he’d put it off until later in the month. He didn’t feel ready. He didn’t even know what he wanted to say to Poe. Besides, that opened up the question of should he even be _here_? He probably shouldn’t but now that he thinks about it, it’s stupid to try and make Kylo the genesis of their problems. They were in a bad place before he’d met the guy. _And_ \-- “No, I don’t think he wants to see your work any time soon.”

“Oh? Why’s that?” he laughed. “He seemed pretty fucking eager before.”

He leaned back to join Kylo. “Your shitty work’s already caused a huge fight between us. Whatever _this_ is,” he gestured lazily to the _thing_ on the table, “will not help.”

Kylo’s eyes seemed to widen just a bit. “What do you mean you had a huge fight?”

Fuck. He'd lied to Poe, too. He'd said he was hanging out with Rey tonight and he hoped that Poe wouldn't try to check up on that story. He figured that Poe didn't have any reason to try to catch him in a lie. The message the pilot had sent him seemed like he was pretty apologetic. Damn, what _was_ he going to say tomorrow? Did he really want to get back together with Poe? Did Poe want to get back together with him? Poe's everything he ever saw for himself in his future - stable, handsome, kind, lots of friends. They'd -- _what did Rey say_ \-- have a mortgage and two kids and the whole she-bang. It was would the ideal life he'd been dreaming of since he was a kid. All he had to do was get his act together and just give Poe what he wanted then he could have what he wanted. Fuck, he _shouldn't_ be here, should he? Kylo isn't the genesis of their issues but he's certainly one of them right now _and --_

Kylo’s voice permeated through the room. “Finn!” 

“Huh?” Finn said, pulled away from his thoughts abruptly. “What?”

“You had a huge fight and then what?” There was something expectant in his tone, like the older man was holding his breath and hoping. 

_He should go._ Finn shifted un-comfortably in his seat, readying himself to get up. _He should go._ “It’s none of your business.”

Kylo matched his movement, ready to follow. “I want to know.”

“So? And I want a million dollars,” Finn frowned, now fully standing. “Sometimes we don’t get what we want, do we?”

Kylo seemed to take that personally and dragged himself off the sofa. He stared Finn down, something like a wounded expression on his face before he turned away. He walked around the tabled and paced for a moment before he spoke again: “Fine, whatever.”

“Oh, _okay_ ,” Finn threw his head back. _Not this again_. He took a deep breath before bringing his head back into place and titling it, awaiting a response. “Now what are you pissed about?”

“I’m not pissed,” Kylo replied quickly. He wasn't able to meet Finn's eye but at least the pacing had stopped. 

“Yeah, you are, you’re a terrible liar.”

“I’m telling you I’m not pissed off. Leave me alone.”

“Okay, fine, I will. I’m going,” Finn's legs felt stiff as they made their way to the door. _How long had he been standing there?_ “And you called me a vibe killer. Grow up.”

“Wait,” It was an odd timbre, almost completely different from the way the man spoke to him usually. He caught Finn’s wrist. “Don’t go. Not yet.”

Finn’s eyebrows rose, one hand already on the doorknob. “What the hell’s gotten into _you_?” 

“Just,” he exhaled and ran his free hand through his hair. “Are you and Poe, you know, okay?”

“You're so damn nosy,” Finn sighed. There was something _off_ about the older man. “Okay, fine, whatever, we’re kind of in limbo now. You happy?”

“Limbo? How limbo?”

Finn scowled. _How limbo_ , indeed. They had officially broken up, hadn't they? “As in I told him to delete my number.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Kylo moved closer, so their bodies were pressed together. “So you’re not with Poe anymore?”

Finn’s breath hitched. “Not technically.”

“Oh,” he replied, surprised by the answer, almost expecting something else. Kylo nodded. “Okay then I’m going to kiss you now.”

“What --”

Finn blinked before Kylo pressed forward and planted their lips together briskly. Finn's eyes widened, his entire body locking up. A deep, husky hum emanated from the older man's throat and a tingle crawled up Finn’s spine as Kylo slid his lips off the younger man’s mouth, letting them glide across his face. The overwhelming sensation of stubble brushed over the younger man’s cheek, every pinprick clinging onto Finn roughly. He breathed against Kylo's ear as the older man’s arms found their way around him; one hand firmly on the back of Finn’s head and the other clinging to the fabric at his waist. This was a sensation that even random synapses couldn’t capture. He didn’t think, couldn't think, and instinct kicked in as he kissed back. Had kissing always caused electricity to course through his veins?

When he finally broke away, he tipped his head back to look at the older man’s expression. He never thought Kylo’s face could be so open. He almost looked vulnerable, like someone who was scared of losing something precious. Finn laid his head on Kylo’s chest. It felt familiar, all encompassing, the same rapid heartbeat as that night he was carried to his bed. 

“Bedroom?” Kylo whispered, as much a question as a statement.

Finn swallowed. “Bedroom.”

Fuck, was he about to do this? _Shit, shit, shit_ , this is what Poe had accused him of exactly. And damnit, it meant that KoenmaDemonKing was right then. Did he want to fuck Kylo? Maybe it was just a pattern? Poe makes him sad, he goes to Kylo to get some kind of fulfillment. It keeps happening. Is this what Rey was talking about? Was he being preyed on? How the hell could he sleep with Kylo then talk to Poe the next day? How could he even look him in the eye? 

“Stop thinking so much,” Kylo whispered in his ear as he eased him down against the edge of the bed. His shirt had managed to come off somewhere between the living room and the bed and the older man moved to straddle him, one knee pressed firmly next to Finn’s thighs. His hands pressed into the bed on either side of Finn’s head. Kylo’s hair spilled past his shoulders and fell like dark waves along his face. “Just relax, okay?”

Maybe it would be like his dream. The other man’s hair is tickling against his skin as he dips down to nip at his throat. It feels good and his whole body was tingling in a way he’d never felt before. _It’s just a shiny, new body, that’s why_. _That’s the only reason._ It was that dream. It roused something deep within him. Something unreal, unfamiliar, vague. Uncertain, chaotic, unstructured. _But Poe_ was _reality_ . Solid, real, reliable. Something familiar, comforting, _stable._

It was everything he was about to _ruin_. 

He should _go._

“Stop.” 

And Kylo obeyed. He leaned back to get a better look at the younger man. Finn’s heart is beating in his ears. He looked so vulnerable gazing down at him. He was worried, sincerely worried. _Fuck._ “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” he started. He swallowed and exhaled, resolved in his choice. “I -- Me and Poe are trying to work things out actually,” Finn’s arms are on Kylo’s chest now, trying to keep the distance between their bodies. “I can’t, uh, I can’t do this until it’s officially over with him. It wouldn’t be right.”

The other man stilled for a moment. Kylo’s fingers curled in, pinching the sheets, before he slid his knee off the bed. Slowly, he peeled himself away until Finn laid at the edge of the bed, empty and alone.

“Sorry,” Finn said after sitting up. “I should have said something earlier.”

“When are you gonna officially break up with him?” Kylo asked. His back was facing Finn as he rummaged through his dresser for another shirt. 

“I dunno, maybe --”

“You dunno, maybe?” he mocked. “I asked _when_? Better yet, why haven’t you already? You seemed pretty okay with almost letting me fuck you just then so I can’t imagine you’re crazy about this guy.”

Finn’s kinda mad now. Yeah, he’s mad because what right did he have to talk about his relationship with Poe? And _Kylo_ came on to _him_ , it’s not like Finn was jumping his bones through the door. “It's complicated, okay?”

“Yeah, right. It’s never actually complicated,” he scoffed in reply. Finn didn’t have any answer to that so he didn’t say anything. The older man pretended to rummage (and Finn’s sure now that he’s pretending because the guy only has three shirts) until he finally stopped. “My dick’s still hard though,” he whined without turning around. 

“What do you want me to do about it?”

Kylo finally decided to turn around and show his face. If he’d looked angry, Finn might not have felt so bad. But he looked kind of...sad? Maybe disappointed? Like he was going to cry but there weren’t any tears in his eyes? Finn really couldn’t place the expression.

“I had a few fucking ideas in mind but that’s not gonna happen, is it?” 

Finn didn’t know what tone to strike right now. He’d been a bit of a cocktease but he was still pissed at Kylo for some reason. He settled for something that would pass a neutral. “No, I guess not.”

The other man exhaled something that sounded like defeated laughter. “Oh, you think so?” Kylo stared at a spot on the wall for a little while then without warning, put a hole through the drywall. Most of Finn’s friends aren’t like Kylo so he was almost too shocked at seeing the trope in real life than he was by the action itself. The older man stared at the spot for a while then glanced back at Finn. “Sorry. That’s more about me than you.”

“It’s fine.” He guesses it’s fine, at least.

“I don’t want to freak you out.”

“I said, it’s fine.” _Is it fine though?_ Finn thinks he should be a little more scared, at least.

“It’s not fine.”

“Okay, you got me.” _When in doubt, give the people what they want._ “It’s not fine.”

Kylo’s tongue is doing some kind of dance in his mouth right now as he struggles for words. Eventually, he breathed out heavily through his nose. “I’m gonna call Hux over. You should go.”

 _Hux. That must be the lay of the century that Kylo said he’d die for. He could just go from me to someone else just like that, huh?_ Finn felt a little dumb. He thought he might have been special.

Anyways, he agreed. He should go. He should have gone hours ago. 

He wonders now why he didn’t.


	8. Take it like a man

Poe appeared promptly at five with a bouquet of roses, perfectly coiffed hair, and a sheepish grin. Finn stared for a moment but couldn’t tell if he was more shocked by the flowers or by the fact that Poe had actually shown up. 

“Are the roses too much?” Poe laughed as he shriveled under the open gaze. “I thought maybe I’d get a box of chocolates but even I knew that would be over the top.”

“No,” Finn smiled. At least he thinks he’s smiling. He took the flowers and moved out of the way to let him in. “I’m shocked you could even find roses on Valentine’s Day. I would have thought they were all sold out.”

“They were. Kinda,” Poe said, removing his jacket. “I went around to a few places and hodge-podged this collection together.”

He took a whiff of them for show. “I can’t even tell.” 

Poe had already made himself comfortable and Finn thought this was a good sign. It was less awkward than if he’d lingered at the door or something. Maybe he should offer him a drink. Or maybe it would be best if they just started talking? No, a drink feels like the right option; something to sip on to avoid having to answer or to buy him time to think. Should this be so hard? He should have thought about what he wanted to say beforehand but he hadn’t expected flowers. He would have gotten Poe something if he knew.

“Do you want a drink?” he called out. “I have this raspberry beer thing…”

He trailed off but Poe was ready to ask: “Have you started drinking?”

“Uh, not really,” he replied. And it was true, he bought the thing on a whim. “But it’s something I have around.”

“Oh,” he replied softly, contemplating something. “Uh, yeah, I’ll take a glass then.”

He offered the glass of ruddy liquid to the older man, who accepted it awkwardly and promptly set it down. Finn’s fingers drummed on his own glass as he sat down on the loveseat. _Now_ this was awkward. “So,” he sighed. “Where to begin?”

“Clearly, something went wrong,” Poe chuckled nervously then cleared his throat as he asked. “But what?”

“I think we can stop being coy,” Finn replied firmly. “It’s Kylo.”

“Yeah,” Poe nodded aimlessly. “I guess we can start there.”

“Well?”

“What do you mean ‘well’?”

“What about Kylo?” the younger man took a sip. He’d hoped Poe would say something in the silence but older man waited patiently for Finn to continue. “I don’t know where you want me to begin.”

“Uh, _okay_ ,” It made Finn feel like he’d said the dumbest thing in the world. “Why don’t we start with how you met this guy? What happened at that art show and how often you’ve been seeing him before and after that?”

“You said you weren’t going to freak out.”

“Who’s freaking out? Am I freaking out?” He motioned to himself innocently. A split second later -- because Poe was talking fast now and Finn knew when he talked fast, he was upset -- those same hands extended out to gesture toward him. “I just want to know more about _your_ relationship with this guy.” 

“Fine,” Finn was annoyed a little. Poe was definitely freaking out but Finn had been the one to text him to talk. So he figured that meant he should do the talking. “I met him that weekend we were supposed to be at the cabin --”

“The cab --” Poe sucked in sharply. He swallowed and placed a hand loosely over his mouth, removing it only to speak: “Sorry. Continue.”

“My building doesn’t allow pets, Poe.”

“Sorry,” he muttered. _Yeah, he knew._ “I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal.”

“So I had to walk BeeBee late at night and early in the morning. I ran into him that night,” he explained. “He was worried, y’know?”

“Worried about what?”

“Worried I’d get caught,” he elaborated. “Which is more than I can say for you.”

Finn left out the fact that Kylo was the one person who had the ultimate say in who stays and goes in the building. He’d still tried to warn him off Phasma, even if there was nothing at stake. Then again, couldn’t he have just been messing with him to see his reaction? To get a rise out of him? That was the sort of dumb shit Kylo liked to do. Maybe Finn hadn't been thinking clearly about that night. Actually, it was a little weird, wasn't it? Especially if Kylo owned the building. _Maybe Kylo had been trying to get him riled up...?_

“Okay, so you met him that weekend,” Poe nodded, slow, mind working on where he would go from there. Finn knew that Poe wanted more answers but the younger man wouldn't give them until Poe asked the questions. Finn held back a frown. Poe never asked the questions though; he only seemed to be able to give answers. “How often did you two hang out? He said he knew about me.”

There was something off in the way that Poe said that last bit but Finn couldn’t put his finger on it. “Do I ask you about how often you hang out with your friends?”

“C’mon, Finn, we both know this guy is not _just_ a friend.” There it was, another accusation. “I saw the way he looked at you. You may not notice it but everyone else around you, even Rey said --”

“ _Rey_?” Finn interrupted, mad and offended and betrayed and -- “Rey talked to you about this?”

“I asked her and she answered, okay?” He sliced a hand though the air, something final about it. “So don’t think she went behind your back or anything. She chewed me out for asking, too.”

“Okay, well, he’s _just_ a friend to me, alright?” His heart began to race because that wasn’t the whole truth. And he’d had that dream before any of this happened. Did this count as lying? It didn’t feel like a lie, but he knew if he admitted to anything else it’d only get Poe more riled up. “I hadn't realize that maybe it was something more to him. I don't know _when_ it even got to that point.”

Poe piqued, leaning toward Finn, ear first. “What point?” When the response wasn’t immediate, he asked again. “When it got to what point, Finn?”

Finn wasn’t sure the best way to describe it to Poe and when he thought about it, he didn’t need to. They weren’t together then; they weren’t together _now._ This conversation should be confined to the crap that happened during their relationship, not what he was doing less than 24 hours ago _and --_ “He kissed me,” he stated flatly.

“You ki --” he inhaled sharply and stood up. His hands found their way to his hips, and he tried to pace in the small area between the table and the couch. He gestured an arm towards Finn, “You kissed him?” 

“ _He_ kissed _me_ ,” Finn clarified. “And it was _after_ we’d broken up.”

“It’s been less than a _week_ ,” Poe huffed, restraining a larger reaction. His mouth opened and closed a few times, words coming and going, until he asked, “ _When_? _When_ did this happen?”

“Last night.”

“When you said you were out with Rey?”

“Yeah,” he admitted. “I went to hang out with him instead.”

“ _With_ \--” he repeated, exhaling sharply. “So you blew me off to see him? _Great_ ,” he sounded bitter at the end. “And he kissed you,” he muttered to himself. “He must have felt _real_ proud of himself for that.”

“You know what?” There was growing irritation in the younger man now. He hadn’t done anything wrong so why is Poe talking like he's committed some kind of act of war? “We weren’t together. And you didn't even bother to contact me, remember? _I_ was the one who texted _you_. How the hell was I supposed to know we’d even be having this conversation?”

“No, yeah, I’m just trying to process this all,” He was still pacing. “I mean, how did it happen? I mean, did you, I don’t know, walk in there and he just _went_ for it? Or…” He grunted in frustration, “Ah, _fuck_!”

“He asked if we were still together,” Finn was talking a little faster now. Poe seemed...fuck, he seemed _mad_ and it was dawning on him that he’d never seen Poe mad before. He didn’t like it, and it was like something inside him was tugging and tugging at him, telling him to apologize. _But why should he?_ “And I was honest. We weren’t.”

Poe stilled and repeated the sentiment. “We weren’t, were we?”

“No, and I have the messages to prove it.”

“Christ, but _just barely_ not together,” he replied, flinging his hands in the air. He sat back down and rubbed his face. “That’s it, you _just_ kissed?”

“Yeah,” and it was the truth. He’d stopped it before it went any further, hadn’t he? “Just the one kiss.”

“One kiss,” Poe repeated again, more processing the information rather than asking for confirmation. Finn nodded. He dragged a hand across his face and tilted his head back. “Ah, _fuck_ , you know, this was one of my biggest fears.”

“One of your biggest fears?”

“Yeah,” but despite the word, he was shaking his head. There was a small laugh out of his nose before he continued, “That you don’t feel the same way I do.”

Finn’s not totally sure what that means. He doesn’t have a clue how Poe felt. First off, the older man had been ignoring him for almost to _two months._ If Finn were just looking at that, what did _that_ say about his feelings? And second of all, the older man couldn’t even answer him when Finn had asked him if he loved him. And by the time he finally got around to admitting it, they’d already broken up. _So --_

“How the hell am I supposed to know how you feel?” Finn responded harshly. “I mean, what does that even mean, Poe?”

“Wait, wait, wait,” Poe breathed out incredulously. He leaned forward, the look on his face matching his tone, “Are you seriously sitting there and saying you don’t know how I feel? Really, you _don’t know_ how I feel? _That’s_ what you’re saying? That’s been the problem this whole time?”

“I’m not saying it’s the problem --” His stomach was doing flips now. This isn’t how this was supposed to go because somehow Poe's upset with _him_. That’s _not_ how this was supposed to go. Finn’s the one with a reason to be mad, not Poe. “I’m saying that you’ve ignored me for the past two months --”

“I’ve _what_?” the pilot practically shouted. “When have I _ignored_ you?”

Finn's heart is beating in his ear and suddenly, he couldn’t recall any of the dates and times. He should go get his day planner, it’s just over there on the bookcase, he could get it right now. He should go get it. Then he could list all the dates out to Poe. If only his legs didn’t feel like lead, if only he didn't have to focus all his energy on controlling the tremors that threatened to consume him. _Why is Poe mad at him?_ Finn could never stand it when someone was mad at him. He spent his whole life -- his whole existence -- trying to be as non-offensive, as _agreeable_ , as possible. He was always the first one to finish his chores, the first one to turn in an assignment, the first one to volunteer for whatever duty everyone else didn't want to do. People _liked_ him. At worst, they didn't notice him. But no one ever _disliked_ him, no was ever _mad_ at him. But _Poe_ was mad at him.

The same Poe that was waiting for some kind of answer now.

“The cabin,” Finn finally managed to get out. “The cabin. And the month before that, I--I wanted to-- _Poe_ , before Kylo, we hadn’t gone out in a while and I _know_ you know that.”

“That _doesn’t_ mean I was _ignoring_ you,” Poe’s tone was sharp now. “It means I have a fucking job and it--it was the holiday season. Okay? I was busy.” He pointed an accusatory finger and Finn hated it more than the tone, “But I _said_ that, didn’t I?”

Had he said that? Finn can’t remember very well but there was conviction in Poe’s voice. Poe believed it and Finn couldn’t really remember. He could go and check his messages, he figured. But now that his mind was working and he could think about it a little bit, it didn't really matter what the excuse was. It wasn’t about what Poe had said or what he hadn’t said, it’s about how Finn had felt. And he felt like Poe was blowing him off. Like Poe thought he his time was worth more than Finn's. Like Finn would just accept anything he threw at him. And Finn nodded to himself now because there was just _no way_ Poe was busy every waking second over the last two months. Finn knew that Poe's job used up a lot of time but--but Poe could have found a day, an afternoon, _anything_ to spend time just a little time with him. 

“No,” Finn stated simply. “No, you don’t get to do that. You don’t get to blame this on me.”

“Who’s blaming you?” Poe retorted sharply. He opened his mouth then closed it again, almost in disbelief, “Finn, what the hell is going on here?”

“I don’t know,” he replied and he meant it. What was the point of them sitting here? Hadn't they already broken up? “We have--I don't know, we have problems, Poe. Problems that I didn't realize until just right now.”

“Problem? Uh, okay. Sure, that makes sense to me. Because you know what? I’ve _always_ had the sense you were mad at me for something,” he laughed through his nose again, a small snort exiting with the breath. “And it feels sort of, _I dunno_ , weird? Yeah, _weird_ to hear you give some kind of reason. 'Cause I’ve been asking myself, why? You know, _why_ is he so upset? And for a while, I thought it was all in my head. But, um, now--you know, this is the first time I am hearing, well, you know. The first time I'm hearing _anything._ So, uh, you think we have problems? Okay, uh, then let's talk about about that then because I thought we had one problem and that he was pretty insignificant in the long run.”

There was something twisting inside and gnawing inside Finn now. He felt overwhelmed. This isn’t what he expected but he didn't know _what_ he was expecting. For one thing, he wanted Poe to stop looking so upset. And another thing, he wanted to stop feeling so horrible. Because this was _bad._ What was he _doing?_ Why did he want to talk to Poe again anyway? What had he said to Rey before he texted him? Fuck, he could only remember the conversation he was having with Kylo at the same time. But most importantly, what was the point of fighting if they were broken up? 

“-- _Finn_ ,” Poe’s voice broke through. There was a touch of concern but he still had an edge to his tone. “Are you okay?” 

“Um, yeah. I am,” he replied, still slightly dazed. He was not. “Explain it to me again though.”

“What?”

“Why you ig--why you were busy these last two months?” He swallowed, building his confidence back up. “Because I don’t remember what you said, honestly, but Poe, I--I felt like you were blowing me off. Um, that’s what it felt like. And I--I didn’t want to start a fight so that’s why I didn’t say anything, okay? And maybe I should have --”

“Look,” Poe cut him off. “The past two months I’ve been-- _yeah_ , okay, I’ll admit it, I’ve been busy and _tired_. We haven’t spent a lot of time together, I know. I know that, and Finn, I _said_ that, okay? You can’t act like I didn’t say that.” There was something pleading in his voice, like he was trying to convince Finn of something. Finn didn’t know what though. Had Poe said all this? If he did, it didn't stick out in Finn's memory at all. “It was just a... _bad_ two months for me, okay? I’m not perfect, and--and I’m sorry, alright? I should have laid it all out on the table but I don’t know. I was...I guess, _embarrassed_ because you know--I couldn’t keep up with you, okay? It’s comforting to know you don’t feel the nine years between us but--but I do, y’know? But, I _have_ to ask myself, how the hell do _two_ bad months replace the three years we've had together? I mean, _c'mon,_ Finn.”

Poe was talking a lot and Finn tried to focus on the words, the emphasis, the syntax. He was trying to process it all in real time. Maybe Poe had said all this and he’d been so focused on hanging out that--that he didn’t notice? They'd been together a while. Maybe it was normal for people to have these kinds stretches. When he hears Poe say it, it does seem like less of a big deal than he made it out to be. Had he been making a mountain out of a molehill after all?

But surely, it’s not normal? Couples are _supposed_ to spend time together. But, fuck, how would he know? This was the first real relationship he’s been in. He was a late bloomer but he thought he knew how these things worked. He thought. He thought this wasn’t normal. This _isn't_ normal. Or was it? There was a headache coming on now and he wanted to take something for it. But Poe was still talking, wasn’t he? It didn't matter. He couldn't bring himself to move anyway. 

“And you know, it feels like this didn't bothered you until certain, _uh_ , certain _characters_ arrived on the scene,” he finished when Finn didn’t respond. “I have this weird feeling that guy has been saying stuff to you. You know, saying things and, you know, _doing_ things -- like kissing you when we're _barely_ broken up -- that have been making you doubt, you know, _us_.”

“I'm sorry, what?” Finn couldn't really follow the sentence. “Who are you talking about?”

“ _Kylo._ That's who I'm talking about,” Poe spat. There was a defensive flare in Finn as he said the name. He wanted to curse because _Kylo wasn't the problem._ He wished that the words could make it out of his mouth but Poe kept going, “Fuck, I hate that name, too. It can’t be his real name.”

“He’s got nothing to do with this, Poe,” Finn replied, finally finding his voice, trying to sound absolute. “This is about us and our relationship.”

“He’s got _everything_ to do with it,” the pilot responded quickly. “We were _fine_ before he came along. And that stupid fucking art show and --”

“But we weren’t,” Finn interrupted with an exasperated exhale. “We weren't though, were we? We had problems before Kylo.”

“ _What_?” It came out breathy and confused but Finn wasn’t sure what was so confusing about it to the older man. 

“I mean,” Finn swallowed after a moment. “We never talked about the future and we never seem to be on the same page about--you know, about the little things.”

Poe stared at him with his mouth agape as if he'd been hit with a ton of bricks. “How long have you felt this way, Finn?”

“I don't know,” he replied honestly with a shrug. “But it's always felt like--I don't know, like, we've been dating because we felt like we had to be dating, you know? Not because we really wanted to be.”

“Wait a second here,” Poe’s eyes fluttered in disbelief. “You think that’s how _I_ feel? Or that’s how _you_ feel?”

“Don't--don't get me wrong. We obviously care about each other but--” There was something in Poe’s expression that looked like Finn had completely blind-sided him. “--but we haven’t been happy in a while.”

“You’re not happy?” Poe questioned, trying to understand. He seemed almost stricken as he exhaled. In the next moment, he inhaled again and swallowed something down. “You haven’t been happy _in a while_? I mean, since _when_?”

“Since --,” he started. _Since when?_ He looked for resolve, an _answer_ , but somehow he couldn’t find it. He was too focused on that expression on Poe’s face. Poe was hurt. Finn had hurt him. This was _bad_. He didn’t know what he was doing right now. He should have thought about this more. Why didn’t he think about this more? “Before we were okay, you know? Then suddenly, we weren't.”

Poe's face was still injured as he stared at Finn. He wet his lips and laughed a little, but it lacked any sense of humor. “Since the day we met, I always had this impression you thought I was this, uh, perfect guy,” Poe finally said. His eyes seemed distant. “And I always wanted to be that for you, you know? You can call it stupid or--or vain, uh, but you used to look at me like I was this flawless human being and I wanted more than anything to be that for you. You just don't know--” he laughed again, this time breathier, with a little more emotion, a touch of affection, "You know, the effect you have on people. Jess, Snap, Iolo, _all of them,_ you charmed them all without trying. And--I guess--I dunno--I guess I got too in over my head. I tried to seem _too_ perfect and when I couldn’t keep up, and well--well, I guess _this_ is what happens.”

“I never said you weren’t amazing,” Finn tried to reassure. “And I know you’re not perfect. No one is. _Of course_ you’re not. I never said that and I never held you that expectation.”

“I know. I know you didn’t. I’m sorry,” he laughed again but he seemed distracted. Almost under his breath, he repeated it with astonishment. “You’re just not happy.”

“It came out wrong,” Finn swallowed. _Stop repeating it and st_ _op looking so taken aback. You were supposed to agree with it._ _Why aren't you agreeing? Say you’re unhappy, too._ “But you can’t tell me you thought it was normal not to go out?”

“I don't know. I'm--I’m just nervous right now, Finn, because I thought--I thought I _knew_ you,” he seemed to be thinking as he was talking. “I wasn’t even worried where your head was at before coming here. I thought you would _get_ why I was upset about Kylo.” He breathed out, again astonished, “ _Unhappy_. Fuck. I didn’t expect that.”

“Poe --” but he was cut off by the older man, who seemed like he was in another dimension right now. 

“ _Unhappy_. I mean,” he scoffed as he cut himself off. His eyes widened, almost embarrassed at having to admit what was on his mind. “I had a plan for us. For--for _this_. You know, _marriage_. A house. Maybe--you know, when you’re out of school and settled into a job, maybe a _family_. There was never _any_ doubt in my mind where we were going. And now I’m hearing for the first time--the first time in almost _three_ years-- that not only are you _unhappy_ , but you’ve been unhappy for _awhile_. Just, what else can I say other than... _shit_.”

He felt dizzy. His head was spinning. _Stop. Stop being so upset. Stop looking so upset._ Something in Finn was tearing apart. He didn’t want Poe to look sad. He didn’t hate Poe; he didn’t want to hurt him. He felt guilty now but he doesn’t really know _why_. He heard his voice but he didn’t recognize it: “I didn't know any of that. You could have told me how you felt instead of bottling it up.”

“Wasn't it obvious after all this time?” Poe stared up at him, his face asking the same question. “Fine. All right, you wanna know how _I_ feel?” His voice sounded strained and Finn’s head hurt so much now. He didn’t want to hear anymore. Because it wasn't obvious and he didn't want to know how Poe felt right now. “I didn’t like that you went out with that _fucking_ asshole and I’m _pissed_ off you kissed him. I’m upset that I heard you went out with him from someone else. And I’m angry at myself because I can’t help but think you two did way more than kiss. _That’s_ how I feel, Finn, okay?”

Finn chewed his upper lip. Well, there was the accusation out loud. He finally said it. And he was wrong. And Finn was kind of mad because he'd stopped it. He'd stopped it even though he didn't have to. For Poe. But he doesn't want to say it now because underneath all the dread, he wanted Poe to sit with not knowing what happened. If he didn't trust him, that's his agony. It was a silent victory in Finn's mind as they sat in silence for a moment, avoiding each other's eyes.

Eventually, Finn took a small breath. “I think,” he started. _He thought too much._ He felt himself shrivel a bit. Layers that he thought he'd stripped away began to encase him again like petals at sunset. It felt unusual, like a butterfly retreating into it's chrysalis rather than breaking out of it. “I think there are a lot of things we never really talked about.”

“ _Stop_ saying ‘we.’ You _need_ to stop saying ‘we,’” Poe swallowed, shaking his head. He rose from his seat, still shaking his head. “I understand that’s how you feel but it’s not how I feel. Okay?”

The older man gazed down at him and as the glisten in his eyes caught the light, the guilt stabbed at Finn like a million little daggers.

“Ah, fuck,” Poe rubbed his face one more time. His right hand rubbed the back of it's corresponding shoulder nervously, almost anxiously. “I’m going to go, okay? Because I don’t know what else there is to say. I mean, you're unhappy. You were unhappy, I guess, because we're not not together. Fuck, I thought we'd be together by the end of this.” He whispered under his breath, defeated, “Ah, _shit_.”

He moved towards the door slowly and Finn thought maybe he'd cry. As the pilot moved, there was just a faint hint, a small murmuring in the back of Finn’s mind, that maybe the other man wanted him to call out. To stop him, to react, to want him to stay. But Finn was frozen in place because he felt like he was floating in an ocean now without any sign of land. No paddle, no buoy, nothing. Just floating aimlessly until he finally drifted somewhere. That's the way it's been his whole life until he'd found Poe. Poe was his paddle. Poe would guide him to land but now Poe was leaving and--and he should _react_. But Finn didn’t know what to do. He was floating aimlessly, he's always been floating aimlessly. He's always had someone there to guide him but now his dinghy has sprung a leak and he’s sinking without any hope. 

_Fuck_. He should do _something_. How did it even get to this point?

The older man took a final look back at him, his hand on the doorknob. There wasn’t any more time to linger anymore, and even less time to react. He needed Poe. He should consider himself _lucky_ to have Poe. Poe has a job, he’s sociable, he’s neat, he’s friendly. He's handsome, so _handsome_. And Poe loves him. He wants to give him marriage, a house, a _family_. Finn's never had a family and Poe wanted those things. He wanted to _give_ those things to him.

“Wait.” The sound of blood rushing in Finn’s ears was soothing, primal and atavistic, a mindless process. His mind seemed to follow suit as he couldn't think of anything else to say other than, “Wait.”

And the other man stopped, the door just barely open. He’d stopped. It was Finn’s turn to speak again. Poe was waiting for him to speak. _What did he want to say?_ His lips were dry and no amount of wetting them seemed to help. It took a minute but the older man’s eyes finally met Finn’s, that wounded expression searing itself into the younger man's mind. There was a pang of guilt as Poe shook his head and swallowed down whatever emotion was building. _Did Poe want to leave? Why didn’t he leave?_

The full force of it hit him all at once. Oh, fuck. Finn's heart rate seem to exceed what was humanly possible as the thought occurred to him. He'd said it multiple times. Poe _loved_ him. Really _loved_ him. Fuck. _Loved him_ . He'd said that and it wasn't in the flippant way Finn’s always said it to Rey or Rose or any of this other friends. He actually _loved_ him. _Fuck_. Fuck, fuck, _fuck_ . Something felt like it was squeezing his brain. _Love_. It felt abstract to him. The concept wasn’t new but his body and mind struggled to simulate the feeling. Of course, he loved Poe. But, _shit._ Did he love Poe the same way? Did he love Poe the way the pilot deserved to be love? Kylo’d said something, hadn’t he? Said something exactly about how it would feel to be in love...

_—"No, but you fucking love him? You’re saying you’d take a bullet for him?"_

_—"I never said I’d take a bullet for him."_

_—"That’s what people in love do."_

_—"Clearly you’ve never been in love. That’s such a bizarre thought to have."_

_—"If you loved him, it wouldn’t be so bizarre."_

But it was bizarre to him still. But Poe was waiting. Waiting for something. Waiting for something with an expectant look on his face. Waiting for Finn to say something hopeful. Something to make the sting go away. He _wanted_ Finn. _A house, marriage, family, a happy life._ All he wanted was for Finn to say ‘I love you, too’ and _mean_ it. _Who else would give those things to him?_ But if he said it, Finn doesn’t know if he’d really mean it. He loved Poe, he would admit that and it was the truth. But he just wasn’t sure if it was in the same type of love that Poe felt toward him. Was it enough? Finn's breaths were short and shallow now. The way that Poe looked so defeated tugged at something within him and made the sinking feeling in his gut feel like a blackhole threatening to crush him into tiny pieces. _Was it enough?_ Because he wouldn’t be this upset if Poe kissed someone else. He thinks he would be okay if Poe did something like that. _He thinks that a small part of him would_ _even_ _be relieved..._

Poe attempted something like a magnanimous smile. “Did you want something, Finn, or were you just seeing if I'd react?” 

“I--I don’t know.”

The other man nodded to himself and sighed. “Finn, just let me ask one question.” His voice is quiet but it sounded exasperated, like it was a question he'd tried to answer on his own a million times but couldn't seem to find the answer to. “What is that guy’s appeal to you?”

The question annoyed Finn on some primal level but a growing sense of dread squashed it and buried it deep. He didn’t know how to answer it. Because he didn’t want Kylo like that, did he? Because... _last night was -- last night had been -- and he didn’t -- and he was -- and --_ making a mistake _._ “Nothing.”

“Fuck, man,” Poe laughed out, demoralized. “ _Nothing_. How do I compete with that, you know? He’s managed to destroy nearly three year of _something_ with two months of _nothing_.”

It wasn’t a nice thing to say, and it wasn't true, Finn knew that, but Finn also knew Poe was hurting. Badly. So he’d take it for now. But there was something screaming inside him that he shouldn’t. That it was annoying, that Poe didn’t have a right to be _this_ upset, that Poe was making this about himself, and about Kylo, and not about _them._

It was like always. He and Poe were on different pages of different books. Except every time something happens, it’s only Finn that’s desperately turning the pages, trying to find something that remotely matched what Poe was reading. and this conversation seemed to be that. Because there were a lot of things that Poe was saying that seemed to be all over the place. He loved him, he felt old, he hates Kylo, he’s mad at Finn, he’s mad at himself. Somehow Poe's always taking the blame, or putting the blame on something else, but Finn always ends up feeling like the bad guy. 

Maybe he _is_ the bad guy.

“Um--” Finn swallowed loudly as if he wanted to get Poe's attention. “Do you want to, uh, not, I don’t know, end things? Not yet, at least. Maybe, y’know, take a break instead. To think about things. Um, it's kind of raw right now, um, so maybe we should just, maybe for a few weeks, just breathe.”

Poe’s expression is somewhere between impassive and stunned; it wasn’t what he was expecting but Finn wasn’t sure exactly what Poe was expecting. Or what he wanted at all, to be honest.

“Yeah,” Poe whispered softly. He bit his lower lip and he seemed to be examining Finn's facial expression. He nodded his head, and each passing second made the nods more sure, more vigorous. “Yeah, because you know what? I want to marry you. And have a family and all that stuff. And--and I think we can have that but I think there are some things you need to explore and some things I need to think about. ”

Finn nodded along silently. They stood there for a while. _Now_ this was awkward. Did he invite him back in? Did he let him go home? Should they keep talking? His headache was becoming splitting at this point and he would do anything for it to go away. “A break then,” Finn nodded. He breathed out. This was fine. They weren't broken up. This was like getting an extension on an assignment. It's a good thing. He had time to get over whatever was holding him back from being the boyfriend Poe needed. “Okay, yeah, a break.”

Poe smiled but it seemed unhappy as he didn't let go on the door. “Yeah,” he repeated. “You can go see what's out there now. You know, get it out of your system?”

Finn stared at him in bewilderment. What was that supposed to mean? “Huh?”

“Kylo,” Poe said. If he were a more violent man, it would have been through gritted teeth. “You can--Jesus, fuck, you can, go see where that goes, okay? And I know I'm your first boyfriend, okay, so here is your chance to go explore.”

Finn stared at him, face twisted in confusion. “I--I don't want to explore and especially not with him.”

“Sure,” Poe nodded, opening the door wider to let himself out. “Yeah, okay. Um, _fine_. But just know, we're on a break so you, you know, just get whatever it is you need to get out, you know, get it out.”

“I don't need to get anything out though. I want you, Poe,” he replied but he didn't sound as sure as he wanted. “You know that, right?”

Poe nodded. “Yeah, I know that but I want to be sure you want me because you really want me. Not because I'm your only option. Because, Finn, I might not know you as well as I thought I did but I think I still know you well enough to say that.”

The older man shut the door behind him with a soft click, unwilling to wait for a reply. Finn stood in the empty room, silent and austere. He wanted to object to what the other man had just said -- because it wasn't true. At least, he didn't think it was. He didn't really understand what Poe meant. But they were on a break now and he didn't know what that meant.

_Get it out of your system._

Finn was tired now and he thinks he might end up sleeping through his classes tomorrow. But he didn't want to think about anything right now and he didn't care. His headache begged him to take a pill and lie down and all he could think to do right now was oblige it. Sleep came to him easily and as he dozed off, comfortably forgetting the world around him, he could only think of one thing.

_Kylo._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one was a pain to write, idk why. break up to kind of make up? idk. onward we go!
> 
> (also finn just wants to get a good grade in boyfriend, something that's normal to want and possible to achieve.)


End file.
